


An Unavoidable Mess

by chokosnails



Category: South Park
Genre: Genderfluid Kenny McCormick, M/M, Misunderstandings, Mutual Pining, Plotting, atrocious pick up lines, rated t for the fuckwords, some of the boys that show up don't have a lot of relevance in the story, sowwy, the parts that aren't stupid are gay I promise, there's the SMALLEST hint of tyde but not enough to tag it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-21
Updated: 2018-04-01
Packaged: 2019-04-05 09:24:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 23,021
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14041155
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chokosnails/pseuds/chokosnails
Summary: Eric fears for his life when he thinks that Kyle and Davíd might start dating, so he cooks up a plan to put a stop to their potential romance. Naturally, he recruits Butters, who is determined to do what little he can to keep Eric from ruining anything between his friends or breaking the law. Kyle and Davíd are happily oblivious to the oncoming nonsense.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> There's STILL not a lot of content for kyvid and there's next to no complete chapter fics for them and u know what? I couldn't stand for that shit. I also couldn't afford to commission someone else to do it for me, so I had to take matters into my own hands. Hope you like it! It shouldn't be too long and I'll update when I can

The pizza at school wasn’t more than edible when it was served hot, but it was much better than eating it cold which was when it reached a brittle cardboard-covered-in-ketchup state. Butters worried over the condition of his abandoned lunch as Eric dragged him away from the cafeteria with a vice like grip on his forearm. He thought about his food to distract himself from the growing dread he felt as he and Eric were heading down an increasingly familiar path.

Eric was speed walking down all the halls and corners that filled Butters with exhaustion once he accepted where they were going and the mayhem that no doubt awaited him in the near future. Finally Eric threw open the door to one of the supply closets near the bathroom and shoved Butters in before he shut the door behind them. 

They stood two feet apart in what Butters called “The Plotting Closet” in his head. It was where Eric stormed off to complain about his latest inconvenience/outrage before he came up with his convoluted schemes to exact revenge and/or right any wrongs. And more often than not, he took Butters with him to recruit him for his latest plan. And no matter how many times these plots went wrong, backfired, came back to bite them in the ass, etc., Butters always went along and helped Eric.

He sort of felt bad that none of their other friends ever wanted to give Eric a hand with his “projects”. He also knew well enough that he was better off on Eric’s good side, which made refusing to help him seem less appealing. So Butters just gave a quiet, resigned sigh and prepared himself for the inevitable as Eric locked the door and turned to face him with a grave expression. 

“Afternoon, Butters.” He greeted curtly.

“Hey, Eric, how’s it goin’?” Butters gave a cheery little wave, which didn’t seem to have the effect on Eric that he’d hoped it would. Darn.

“It’s going bad, Butters.” He clasped his hands in front of himself. “I’m afraid there’s no time for small talk, as there is a very urgent matter to discuss.” Butters blinked at him.

“Oh, okay! Can I at least turn on the lights?” Eric gave a long sigh.

“Ugh, fine.” Butters groped the wall a bit until he reached the switch and flicked it on. Then they could both see all the dust particles drifting around within the compact space. Eric went on, “I’m sure you’re wondering why I brought you here today.”

“Uh, I guess.” Butters shrugged. “Hey, Eric, next time you need me for somethin’, could you wait until after I’m not busy to-”

“You see, Butters, something has recently come to my attention.” He raised his voice over Butters’. “It pertains to my most hated enemy, the bane of my existence, the greatest threat to our town’s peace and happiness.” He paused for dramatic effect. “I’m talking, of course, about Kyle.” 

“Um, did Kyle do something?” Butters asked.

“Not yet, as far as I can tell. But it seems to me like he’s going to make a move soon.” Eric said ominously. 

“W-what’s goin’ on, exactly?” Butters asked, still lost. Eric grabbed onto his wrist and opened the closet door.

“Come and see for yourself.” And that was all he said before he dragged Butters again, but this time to the football field. Eric stopped at some shrubs and motioned for Butters to crouch down behind them along with him. Butters did so with a huff.

“If whatever’s so important was out here all along, then why didn’t you just bring me here in the first place?” He asked. 

“Come on, Butters, where’s the intrigue in that?” Eric said, like he was being ridiculous. “All that matters is that we’re here now. And if you’ll just direct your attention to the far left side of the bleachers by the building, you’ll understand why I needed you here.” Butters peered through the bushes to where Eric had told him to look. All he saw was Stan, Kenny, Kyle and Davíd sitting together and eating their lunches while they chatted. Butters screwed his mouth up a bit and turned back to Eric.

“I don’t get it. Everything looks normal to me.” He said. Eric groaned.

“You’ve obviously forgotten we’re here on a Kyle-based issue. Take another look and, this time, try to notice who he’s sitting suspiciously close to.” Butters peered through the leaves again and leaned into them to get a better view of Kyle. And, sure enough, he really was sitting closer to one boy than either of his other friends, who both sat on the row below them. Butters raised an eyebrow.

“You mean Davíd?” He asked. Eric grunted his affirmation.

“Exactly. See anything a little… fishy about how those two are acting together?” Butters watched them talk for a moment longer.

“Oh, geez, I don’t know. They look happy?” He guessed.

“That’s right, Butters. Maybe too happy.” His voice was low.

“What do you mean, Eric?” Butters asked.

“I mean that Kyle’s finally decided to show his true colors, with him of all people.” When Butters stayed silent for a moment too long, Eric decided to elaborate. “He has a fucking crush on David, dumbass.” 

“Ohhh.” Butters eyes went back to them and he nodded to himself. “Yeah, I could see them being good together. How nice for them!” He said, always an advocate for young love. Eric smacked the back of his head, almost causing him to topple over.

“No, Butters, not nice! Bad! Dangerous, even!” He spoke emphatically. Butters rubbed above his neck and turned to give Eric a stern look.

“Now, Eric, that’s no way to talk about them. I thought you were okay with gay people?” Eric dragged a hand down his face.

“Of COURSE I’m okay with gay people, Butters. Or did you forget that I have not one, but TWO gay friends?” Butters didn’t know if Tweek and Craig considered Eric to be their friend, but he kept that to himself. “This has got nothing to do with Kyle liking guys, which I totally called since the first day I met him. It has everything to do with the specific guy he’s trying to get with.” Butters felt his little fists ball up instinctively.

“If you start bad-mouthing Mexican people again, then- then don’t expect me to help you out with whatever you’re planning!” He made to stand up but Eric yanked him back down desperately. 

“Alright, Jesus, calm down!” Butters crossed his arms and Eric sighed. “God, the battles you pick. No, in this rare instance, his race has nothing to do with why this upsets me. Although I still don’t believe in interracial couples, that’s not a problem here, since they wouldn’t be able to breed.” He waved the thought off. “Don’t you get it yet, Butters? Kyle’s a huge pain in my ass, but Davíd’s done his fair share to piss me off too! Those two assholes are always talking shit about me and being dicks to me whenever they get the chance. Their shared hatred of me is what started their friendship, you know.” He stood up and began to pace behind the minimal cover of the shrub.

“But that’s not all. I’ve come to realize that since they’ve gotten closer, they’ve increased their efforts in tormenting me. And if they were to become a couple,” he visibly shuddered, “there’s no telling what those two demons would have in store for me.” Butters tilted his head. As far as he knew, Kyle and Davíd were decent guys, and they only ever said mean things to Eric when he provoked them first.

“Well, if you don’t want them to bother you, maybe the best thing to do is just avoid them.” Eric scoffed.

“So, what, you’re suggesting that I just run from my problems like a pussy? I’ve never been one to shy away from confrontation, Butters, you know that.” Boy, if anyone knew that, it was definitely Butters.

“All I’m sayin’ is that they’ll probably leave you alone if you just leave them alone.” He said, hoping that he could calm Eric down before he committed to any course of action. 

“I wouldn’t be so sure.” Eric dismissed him. “When two people with similar personalities and interests get into a relationship, they tend to amplify the qualities they share. Take the brief marriage between Katy Perry and Russel Brand, for example.” Butters nodded.

“It’s a shame they couldn’t make it work. It seemed like things were going well for them.” Eric sighed.

“No shit it didn’t work out, Butters. Katy Perry’s Protestant and Russel Brand is a man-whore. They came from different worlds.” His said this like he was describing why two different species of animals couldn’t be friends. “But the one thing they did have in common that they brought out of each other was their incredible mediocrity. Her generic, uninspired music and his less-than-stellar acting and comedy career. It was only a matter of time before they found each other.” Butters couldn’t tell where all of this was going. Maybe Russel Brand was untalented, but he didn’t think Katy Perry’s music was that bad. 

“What’ve they got to do with Kyle and Davíd?” He asked.

“I’m getting to that.” Eric assured him. “When those two got together, many people across the world, myself included, waited in fear of what they would release to the public. Fortunately, their jobs meant busy schedules, and busy schedules meant that they didn’t have time to collaborate on any content before the divorce. I think a lot of people were relieved that nothing too cringey came out of their union.” He finally turned around to face Butters.

“But the fact is this: they had the potential to use their combined crappiness to put something truly shitty out into the world. And a similar concept can be applied here, with those buttholes.” He glared darkly in their direction. Butters followed his line of vision and saw that Kyle and Davíd were laughing loudly and leaning closer into each other. Kyle held onto Davíd’s arm as they both shook with mirth, maybe to keep from falling over, but Butters didn’t think that was why.

“Awww.” He cooed quietly enough for Eric to miss it. 

“They are two of the most despicable people I’ve ever known. They’re sneaky, vindictive, and heartless enough on their own. I don’t want to imagine how much worse they’d make my life if they ever hooked up.” He grimaced.

“Aw, Eric, are you really that sure that the two of them getting together would be a bad thing? Maybe they’d be too busy with their relationship to mess with you. And I don’t think they’re actually out to get you, anyway.” He added. Eric snapped his head to him, looking baffled.

“I’m sorry, Butters, but have you forgotten about the Yelp incident? About how rude David was to me, a valued customer, and how Kyle immediately sided with him just to spite me? I had to get my stomach pumped after all of that! A lot of innocent Yelpers were put in harm’s way because of the restaurant union those fucking snakes sicked on us!” He shouted. 

“Uh,” Butters began meekly, “didn’t the Yelpers murder a bunch of people and start riots before that?”

“At least we weren’t the ones to wage fucking biological warfare!” Eric defended. “And that was Kyle and David in the beginning of their friendship! They’ll execute way worse shit than that once they start dating, I know they will!” 

Butters didn’t follow his line of logic on that, and he almost never did these days. As middle school had gone on, Butters had started to more clearly see why people were reluctant to give Eric the time of day. He had hoped that whatever it was that stuck him in these situations with Eric would be gone by the time high school started, but here he was. And he had made it past the preamble to Eric’s scheme so it was already too late for him to back out. 

“So what did you wanna do about it?” He asked, because he’d find out whether he wanted to or not.

“I’m glad you asked, Butters.” Eric sat down across from him and looked at him intensely. “They may be acting gayer than usual now, but neither of them have changed their relationship status on Facebook. Seems I was able to spot Kyle’s boner for David before he could do something about it. But just look at him.” He pointed to Kyle’s general direction and scowled. “Flushed cheeks, wide eyes, a smile that shows all his teeth! It won’t be long before he makes a move.” 

Butters saw Kyle and had to repress a giggle at just how fondly he was looking at Davíd. If he wasn’t sure of Kyle’s crush before, he became 95% certain that Kyle did harbor feelings for his friend. He couldn’t help but feel a little excited for them and where those feelings might lead. But his mood dropped when he remembered why he was here. 

“I think you’re right about that.” He agreed.

“I know I’m right.” Eric then scooted forward and fixed Butters with all of his attention. “What I need to know now is if you’ll help me hit the brakes on this thing before it crashes right into me. I can’t do this alone, Butters. If they find out I’m trying to put a stop to their madness, they’ll only try to take me out faster.” 

So basically Eric wanted him to do the dirty work, like always, so that Butters could take the heat when the plan failed. And then he’d claim not to know what the hell Butters was talking about when he tried to explain why he was doing something strange or illegal.

“I don’t know, Eric…” He said weakly. Eric narrowed his eyes at him.

“Maybe I wasn’t clear, Butters. Kyle and David have restless, relentless personalities to go with their other shitty qualities. They’ll focus their torture on me, obviously, but they won’t stop there.” He wagged a finger in Butter’s face. “Oh no, they’ll get bored of me eventually. And when they do, they’ll direct their attention to other unsuspecting victims. The term “power couple” sounds fun until that power is applied to a particularly corrupt couple.” 

Then the bell rang, signaling the end of lunch. 

“Oh, geez!” Butters moved to get up and run to get his backpack and make it to his next period before he was marked late. Eric tugged him back down before he could get past the shrubs. 

“You’ve got plenty of time to make it back inside, Butters, but I need an answer now.” It didn’t seem like he would let go soon, so Butters had to do some real quick thinking or else he’d get marked tardy and then the school would call his parents and he’d be grounded. He really didn’t want to do anything to prevent Kyle and Davíd from maybe ending up together. But he knew that even if he said no, Eric would go on and do it anyway and that could only end in disaster, too. 

Butters looked to the bleachers where he saw Stan, Kenny, Kyle and Davíd head down the steps. Kyle and Davíd went down the same way, probably to their next class where they’d no doubt still talk to each other like they were now. He smiled tiredly as he resolved not to let Eric interfere with what those two could have. And the best way for him to do that, he thought, was to make sure Eric’s plan didn’t go too far. He only had so much time left to get to fourth period, so he’d have to save his regret to be felt later.  
“I’ll do it.” He said. A triumphant grin formed on Eric’s face. “What did you have in mind?” Butters felt the hand leave his wrist as Eric stood up and swiped off the blades of grass that had no doubt stuck to his ass. He then put a hand at Butters’ back and led him back to the building.

“I am SO glad you asked.” 

 

 

 

Kyle slowed down just before he left the football field. He looked around himself warily, but didn’t catch any trace of Cartman. His brow furrowed and his mouth formed a thin line. He couldn’t help but feel the sneaking suspicion he was familiar with that told him something was up. A hand was on his shoulder suddenly and he would have smacked it off by reflex if he hadn’t heard his voice first.

“Dude, what’s wrong?” Davíd asked. Kyle felt the tension leave him as he turned to face Davíd. 

“Nothing.” He shook his head. “I just thought I heard something.” Davíd raised an eyebrow at him. 

“What did you hear?” He asked. Kyle gave him a quick smile and waved it off.

“Really, I probably just imagined it.” He bumped his shoulder against Davíd’s and walked ahead. “Let’s go, dude. I don’t want to be late to bio again.” Davíd chuckled and fell into step with him.

“No kidding. Last time we came after the bell, Miss Walter chewed us out for like, the first half of class.” Kyle groaned.

“Gotta love the educators in this town, right?” He rolled his eyes. 

“I knew the teachers were pretty off at elementary and junior high, but I at least thought they’d hire sane people to look after the older kids.” Davíd mused. Kyle snorted. 

“Well that was your first mistake.” Davíd laughed and Kyle laughed, too. They talked more shit about their alarmingly irresponsible teachers all the way to Biology, where Miss Walter seemed to have waited for them to walk in so she could tell them to “CUT THAT NOISE OUT AND GET IN YOUR SEATS.” So they both shut up and went on quietly, but not without shooting little grins to each other once they sat at their adjacent desks. 

Once class started, Kyle found that he couldn’t bring himself to focus on the lesson. He was just too restless these days to really give that much of a shit about a class he could ace in his sleep. Besides, he had much more interesting things on his mind. Case in point, he looked to his left to see Davíd attentively taking notes with a peek of his tongue poking out the corner of his mouth.

Kyle’s eyes roamed across his face to his soft-looking lips, the beauty mark close to his ear, his long, long eyelashes. How could anyone expect him to pay attention in class when they made him sit next to such a cute guy? In reality, he’d waited for Davíd to pick his desk out on the first day of class and then chose the one right beside his, but that wasn’t relevant. Now what WAS relevant was how Davíd had started to absentmindedly hum a sweet Spanish song that Kyle couldn’t remember the name of and how much Kyle wanted to hear him sing it sometime.

His fingers tapped against his desk and he itched to reach out and – and what exactly? Hold his hand, tuck a nonexistent strand of hair behind his ear? Either one was unrealistic, but both ideas made him stupidly giddy.

Kyle hid his smile behind the back of his hand before it became too goofy. If it were pretty much any other day, he’d be trying a lot harder to dial back his emotions before he got caught staring. But he was just too busy admiring the view to care about how obvious he was being. 

He and Davíd nearly jumped out of their chairs as they were broken out of their thoughts by poor Butters, who showed up a few minutes into the lecture. He frantically tried to explain to the teacher that he’d had to go all the way across campus to get his stuff back from the cafeteria as he caught his breath. Maybe if she could have heard him over her own shouting, she wouldn’t have sent him to the principal’s office.

Kyle’s heart rate settled as Butters left with his head hung low and the murmurs from his classmates died out. 

He felt bad for him, but he still felt relieved that he’d been snapped out of his daze before he could get yelled at for zoning off. And better yet that Davíd hadn’t noticed either. Kyle would probably just keel over and die of embarrassment right then and there if he did. He took a breath to calm himself and maybe listen to some of what was being explained in the diagram. 

Kyle still wanted so badly to just extend his hand to Davíd’s, but he knew he couldn’t risk that, not here, not now. For the time being, he’d just have to satisfy himself with pleasant thoughts of his ideal near-future. He smiled again as he tried to tune back in to the lesson. Soon, he thought to himself, very soon.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fair warning: here's where the stupid shit starts to pick up

Butters had gotten off with a warning, thank god, since this was the first time he’d been late in high school. When the school day ended, he wanted nothing more than to go home and relax. He’d play with the minions, finish his home work, and take his mind off of his less-than-pleasant day. He hadn’t even made it outside when Eric texted him to meet him at Tweak Bros. to pick up where they left off at lunch.

So he sighed and called his parents to tell them he’d be studying at a friends’ house and that he’d be back in time for dinner. He changed his route and made it to the coffee shop in a few minutes. With all the time he’d likely spend here, he decided to buy himself a chocolate croissant and a milk bottle to snack on. He was two bites in when Eric slammed the glass door open and the greeting bell gave a harsh jingle at his entrance. He looked over to Butters at the back, near the restrooms, and nodded.

“Good idea, we’re gonna need some fuel to get us through this meeting.” Then he marched over to the counter and ordered himself a chocolate croissant, a scone, two cake pops, a muffin, a cupcake, a tart, a slice of pound cake, and chocolate milk. He scooped up his sugary feast and carefully made his way to where Butters sat and watched with some concern.

“You sure you won’t ruin your appetite with all that, Eric?” 

“Pshh. Impossible. I need this, dude, I’m a growing boy.” Finally, everything was safely set down on the table. He settled himself into the chair and began to scoff the donut. “Anyway, I’ve had some time to think since lunch, and I managed to narrow down my choices on how to deal with this.”

“Like what?” Butters took a sip of his milk.

“Well, I’ve ruled out anything that might be considered too extreme. So that means no pushing either one of them down a flight of stairs or into traffic. In the event that they see us before they’re knocked out, they’ll know who to blow the whistle on, and it’s game over.” Butters nearly choked.

“What?! Eric, we can’t do that, we could really hurt them!” He gripped his pastry enough to make it crumble. 

“Dude, didn’t I just say we weren’t going with that?” Eric rolled his eyes and started on the pound cake. “While that would have been super satisfying to go with, physical damage isn’t guaranteed to make any difference in the long run.”

“Oh, that’s good.” Butters sagged in relief. Maybe reigning in Eric’s efforts would be much harder than he thought.

“Yes, it won’t be that simple. But it shouldn’t be too difficult, either.” He popped a cake pop into his mouth. “Right now we know that Kyle’s smitten, but I’m not one hundred percent sure that David currently feels the same.” Butters saw a chance to put a stop to Eric’s musings.

“Y-yeah! For all we know, Davíd isn’t even into guys and you could be working yourself up over nothing!” He suggested.

“No, he’s into guys. Remember how excited he was when gay marriage got legalized?” He raised his eyebrows expectantly.

“A lot of people were excited about that, Eric. The whole town was decked out in pride flags for almost a week.” He said.

“That’s true, but you know what the whole town didn’t do? Sew a gay pride patch onto their backpacks. You know who DID do that?” He finished his second cake pop.

“Was it Davíd?” Butters asked, though he knew the answer. He was hoping that Eric hadn’t noticed that patch. 

“You bet your ass it was.” He took a bite of his muffin. “And I’d bet my own ass that there’s a good chance he wouldn’t turn Kyle down if he asked him out. Kyle may be a shitty specimen, but it’s not like David’s got a lot of other options.” He wiped some crumbs off of his face and revealed a smirk. “Or so he thinks.” Butters’ brow furrowed.

“Wait, I thought all the guys in Craig’s group were into fellas?” Butters remembered pretty clearly what a funny coincidence that was. Or he could call it a lucky circumstance of a bunch of friends feeling safe to come out to each other after two of them started dating. 

“Butters, please.” He rolled his eyes. “The only one in Craig’s merry band of assholes that fits David’s type is Tweek, who is happily monogamous.” He took a swig of his chocolate milk.

“Now wait a minute – how do you even know what Davíd’s type is?” Butters asked. He had no memory of Davíd ever really dating anyone before and he knew that Eric couldn’t just go and ask Davíd that himself.

“I did some research on gay culture, Butters.” Eric chewed on his scone. “So David’s on the soccer team, right? Which would make him something of a jock, wouldn’t you say?” Butters nodded slowly.

“I guess so?”

“And from what I read, gay jocks are typically considered “hunks”. And my sources said that hunks are into “twinks” which is a different division of gay guys.” Butters couldn’t tell if he heard him right.

“Division?” He asked. Eric nodded.

“I was as surprised as you are. Apparently, being gay is more complex than it seems.” Then Eric reached over into his back pack and brought a few papers out. The one on top was a color-coded triangle with a bunch of words and names in each section. When the hell had he found the time to make that? “This is called a gay alignment chart.” He explained. He pointed to the orange triangle. “As you can see, I’ve placed David over here, in the hunk portion. And this is bad news for us because it means that he’s that much more likely to end up with Kyle who is all the way over here-” he pointed to the purple triangle, “in the twink portion.”

“Huh.” Butters took a closer look to see that most of his friends were somewhere on the chart. “So if a hunk is a jock, what’s a twink?”

“That would be an effeminate gay guy. This is the kind of person where you know he’s gay at first glance.” 

“But Tweek’s not very, uh, feminine. And we didn’t know he was gay, at first.” Butters took a sudden double-take. “Wh – hey! Why’d you put me in the twink triangle?”

“Dude, why wouldn’t you be in the twink triangle?” Eric snorted.

“I’m not feminine!” Butters insisted. Eric gave him a flat look and Butters huffed. “Well I’m not that feminine! And even if I am, there’s a lot more to me than just that! I don’t think it’s fair or accurate to be putting us in these little triangles just because of how we look.” Eric blinked at him slowly.

“Butters, it’s just way more convenient this way. The last thing we want is to make this deliberation more complicated than it already is. I haven’t even told you about tops and bottoms yet.” Butters could agree that he’d probably been introduced to enough new terms for one day, he wouldn’t have an easier time with even more to try to learn. 

“Okay, then, I guess we’ll have to figure that out later.” Eric shoved the last of the muffin in his mouth.

“We don’t have to – ugh fine, whatever. We’re getting off topic.” He set the charts aside. “Point is: the physical damage route is too risky and it’s not solid enough. So we’ll have to try a more… subtle plan. We gotta fuck with their feelings.” Butters didn’t like the sound of that, either.

“Aw, geez.” 

“I know it sounds lame but trust me, it’s fool-proof. This is going to require some clever, manipulative thinking, and patience. Hopefully not too much patience, if all goes well.” 

“Right… and what’s the point of, uh, messing with their emotions again?” Butters just wanted to draw this out, like he could filibuster Eric’s planning before he could decide on what to put in motion.

“Jesus.” Eric sighed and began to speak like he was explaining a difficult concept to an infant. “If the physical stuff doesn’t have long lasting effects on Kyle or David, then they’d just hook up later rather than sooner, which is still bad. By injuring them, we’d ironically only put a band-aid over the problem.” He dabbed at his mouth with a napkin. “It’s like – like how a wound on the outside heals faster and more reliably than a wound on the inside.” 

“Oooh.” Butters nodded, following along. “Like that saying ‘sticks and stones may break my bones and heartbreak will always hurt me’?” 

“Yes, exactly!” Eric pointed at him. “A scar only bugs someone for so long – but betrayal? Regret? Longing?” Eric chuckled. “There’s nothing the doctor can give you for that.”

“Uh huh.” Butters really didn’t like the direction he thought this was going in.

“So our best bet to keep those two apart is to make them never want to see each other again.” Butters drummed his fingers nervously.

“Oh?”

“Once again, we can’t do anything too huge, you know? Framing Kyle for the deportation of David’s parents or something is too out of character to be blindly believed.” 

“His parents were born here, too, Eric.” Butters corrected sternly. Eric rolled his eyes.

“Which sucks because that would have been amazing to watch, and you know I live for drama. No, like I said, it’ll have to be subtle.” He folded his hands on the table. “Remember how I said that David accepting Kyle’s feelings is inevitable because he’s got no one else to choose from?” 

“Yeah?” 

“Well,” Eric smirked. “What if we just broadened his options a bit?” Butters raised an eyebrow.

“How do you mean?”

“We just have to give him another guy to catch his interest! That won’t be hard since Kyle pales in comparison to just about any other guy.” He looked at Butters intently. “All we need is a guy who fits David’s preferences to start hitting on him as soon as possible.” Butters saw… a lot of flaws in that. But he decided to voice just one of them.

“But who are we gonna get to do that? I can’t think of any boy we know at our school who fits what you’re lookin’ for.” Eric leaned forward a bit, a glint in his eyes.

“You probably can’t think of another guy to do that because I’ve already gone one step ahead of you and recruited that guy from the start. This, Butters, is the role you will be filling for this scheme.” Butters searched his face curiously until it hit him. His stomach dropped into his shoes and he waved his hands in front of him.

“Nononononono! No way! I’m not doing that!” He crossed his arms over his chest.

“What’s the big deal?” Eric asked, as if he didn’t have any clue why Butters would object to this. “I already came up with an outline and a strategy, you got the easy part!” Butters shook his head firmly.

“I can’t do that, Eric! I don’t like Davíd like that! And I don’t want to lie to him.” He frowned.

“So what if you don’t like him? It’s not like I’m asking you to go out with him, dude, relax.” Eric put his hands flat on the table. “I just need you to make him THINK that you want to go out with him. Then he can develop genuine feelings for you, Kyle will watch his crush fall for another guy, he’ll be devastated and never think to pursue David again, and David’ll be too busy thinking about you to notice Kyle rolling around in self-pity!” Wow, Butters REALLY didn’t like the sound of that. He had to think of another excuse, and fast!

“But I can’t convince Davíd that I like him when I don’t!” He said feebly.

“And why the hell not?” Eric needled him. Butters panicked.

“B-because I already like somebody else!” He blurted, then slapped a hand over his mouth. Oh no.

“Oh, is it that one chick who always talks to you in Geometry? With the wicked bacne who wears way too many tank tops?” Butters bristled.

“Don’t go sayin’ mean things about Sarah! And we talk a lot in that class because we help each other out with the assignments. It’s not her, though.” 

“Kay, then who is it?” Images passed through Butters’ head of a worn orange parka, feathery blond hair and a cheeky, gap-toothed grin. He flushed and shook his head of those thoughts, afraid that they might show on his face.

“That’s not important!” He settled on. Eric eyed him suspiciously. Normally, he wouldn’t give a shit which 4/10 girl had caught Butters’ attention this time. But his secrecy said ‘blackmail material’ loud and clear, which almost tempted Eric to grill him more.

“Whatever.” Eric said, getting back to his priorities. “If that’s the case, then just channel your feelings for your crush when you hit on David and it should do the trick. Easy.” He gave a nod, satisfied with his solution. “I’ll arrange for you to talk with David tomorrow during lunch without Kyle in the way. And everything should fall into place nicely.” He hefted himself out of his seat and turned to the door. No! Butters struggled for something to say that might delay the plan even a little.

“Wait!” He said quickly. Eric looked at him over his shoulder. “Uh, I – I don’t know how to flirt with guys all that well! What if I mess up and the plan’s ruined right from the get-go?” Eric blinked at him slowly.

“So learn how to flirt, Butters. Google is free. I’m sure you’ll figure something out.” He went on to the door. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got better things to do than take care of your only job for you.” And with that, he left Butters flapping his lips uselessly at his table with his lukewarm milk. Finally he groaned and let his head thunk against the cold wood surface. How did he always get into these messes? 

 

 

 

A gust of wind would’ve sent Kyle’s papers flying off if he hadn’t held them down at the last minute. He was there on the bleachers after school doing homework, or at least pretending to do homework, while Davíd and the rest of the soccer team practiced on the field. He’d gotten a few questions knocked off of his work at first, but he got too wrapped up in the drills to form complete sentences. 

At that point, he decided that acting like he was multi-tasking wasn’t worth the effort. So he secured his work under his elbows and leaned forward to give his full attention to the players. Truthfully, one got much more attention than the rest. 

Davíd was one of the fastest boys on the team, and it showed in how quickly he weaved between his teammates without giving the ball up or losing his footing. He could be captain, if only he was willing to give up more of his precious free time over to responsibilities. Between school, the team, and his family’s restaurant, Kyle was grateful that Davíd never neglected to spend time with him whenever he could. As mushy as it sounded, it made him feel important. Valued, even.

And speaking of Davíd - Kyle watched as he gave a swift, well-aimed kick that sent the ball past the goalie and against the net. The goalie groaned loud enough to be heard as some of the other boys went up to Davíd to clap him on the back and offer their praise. Davíd had to be pretty worn out, since practice would be ending soon, but he didn’t let it show from how wide he smiled and how enthusiastically he went back to his position for another run-through.

That was another thing Kyle liked about him: he never let his own successes get to his head. He was, in Kyle’s unbiased opinion, the best player on the team, a great student, a fantastic cook, and more. He didn’t pick up new skills quickly and he wasn’t gifted or a natural or an expert right from the start. But he was determined as hell and worked damn hard to become decent at whatever he did.

And still as soon as he was fantastic at it, and knew that he was, he stayed humble. The closest he ever got to displaying arrogance was letting a wide, proud smile stretch across his face whenever he pulled something off, like right now. And Kyle really admired that quality, as well as the resulting, blinding smile. 

Some other things Kyle was admiring at the moment were the way Davíd’s hair was being blown every which way, and how cute it was that he tried to fix it back into place so often. And the bobbing of his Adam’s apple as he gulped down water from his bottle. And the way that some of the water rolled down his chin as he drank and followed a path into his shirt. And the way his shirt rose to reveal a tantalizing sliver of skin when he brought his arm up to wipe sweat from his brow. 

Kyle rested his head in his hands and sighed happily. What could he say? He loved the sport.

Before he knew it, practice finally started to wrap up and he saw Davíd gather his things and head up toward him, unlike the rest of the team who went straight to the locker room. Davíd waved at him only a few rows down and Kyle waved back. In doing so, he let some of his papers loose and he scrambled to get a hold of one before the wind could. It flew a few feet from him, but luckily Davíd had caught up to it before it could gain speed. 

Kyle’s smile turned sheepish as he accepted the paper Davíd handed to him with his own teasing smile.

“Thanks, dude. I don’t know why I keep forgetting how windy it gets this time of year.” He put his homework into a neat stack that he slid into his back pack. 

“You don’t have to wait for me outside, you know.” Davíd said.

“How else are you gonna play so well if I’m not there to offer you moral support?” Kyle said. Davíd’s smile grew.

“You make a good point, there. But I’m pretty sure more protein should work just fine.” He laughed when Kyle playfully pushed him.

“Dick. Here I am risking my home work to cheer you on, and that’s all you have to say?” He sighed dramatically. “Being a good friend is a thankless job.”

“I don’t think I heard you cheer.” Davíd pointed out. They made their way down out of the bleachers.

“I wasn’t vocally cheering. I didn’t want to distract you.” He put a hand on his chest. “Like I said, I’m a good friend.” Davíd snickered.

“You’re so right.” He pointed to the locker room. “I’ll be back in five.” He said before he jogged off. Kyle let himself stare after him out of the corner of his eye. There were still other students around, but no one to worry about. That thought made him think back to earlier that day when he could have sworn that he’d heard Cartman’s irritating voice from somewhere near him. That fucker hadn’t tried anything since the new semester had started, which put Kyle on edge more than it relieved him. 

Maybe this was just the calm before a storm. Maybe his peaceful routine would be disrupted by whatever bull shit that fatass had gotten involved in this time. But then Davíd walked back to him in his school clothes with a relaxed smile and a towel around his neck to catch any water droplets from his still-damp hair, effectively disrupting his train of thought. His mood lifted at the sight of Davíd’s cheeks, a bit flushed from the quick shower.

“I’m sorry I implied that I could use protein as a substitute for your support.” He said. “How can I make it up to you?” Despite the otherwise innocent question, Kyle’s mind went straight to the gutter. It would have been hilarious how his head immediately supplied inappropriate suggestions if those ideas didn’t nearly knock the air out of his lungs. Down boy, he chided himself.

“You could start by getting me some ice cream from the drug store on the way to your place.” He turned to the exit to keep his blush hidden until it subsided. But he didn’t miss Davíd’s fond eye roll.

“I wanted to buy myself something as an incentive for doing a good job at practice.” He said.

“That’s fine, I’ll just get something for you.” Davíd laughed and Kyle failed to keep a straight face. Things were going great, he thought, and they were gonna get even better if he could help it. For now he just talked to Davíd about their day and shoved his earlier concerns to the back of his mind. He shouldn’t spoil his time with Davíd by agonizing over what Cartman might be up to. Kyle was probably just being paranoid, anyway.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It had to get silly before it got gay. And it only gets sillier from here


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I got hit with a bitch ass cold so updates might be a little slow and I might not have edited them that well! blease point out any huge errors to me, and enjoy

Pencils scribbled across the papers of all the other kids around him as Butters’ eyes darted to the clock above the door for the hundredth time that day. But unlike his classmates, he was attempting to stare at the hands hard enough to move them counterclockwise instead of clockwise. He still wasn’t ready for lunch, which was fast approaching.

He’d gotten a text from Eric just a minute earlier that said he’d done what he had to do to get Davíd away from Kyle for lunch and that all Butters had to do was catch him at his locker before he could meet up with Stan and Kenny. Butters heard and saw the big hand tic closer to 12:15, the end of class. He gulped and looked down at his own paper that he’d done as well as he could, given the circumstances. 

It’s not like he wasn’t prepared to play his part of the plan, he already had the script he’d managed to write up the night before. He did end up having to use Google for reference, and while what he found was… a bit embarrassing to write out, it was all he had. He couldn’t tell what he dreaded more: making a fool of himself or successfully getting Davíd’s attention. 

On one hand, he didn’t appreciate being laughed at on a good day. On the other hand, it was better to be laughed at than to actually trick Davíd, who he still wanted to protect from Eric’s plotting. He tore his eyes away from the clock and wrung his hands on his desk. He hoped that what he’d gotten on the script was bad enough to drive Davíd away. But not so bad that it’d tip Eric off to his true intentions.

The bell rang and nearly startled Butters out of his seat. He took a deep breath and packed his things away as students began to filter out of the room and into the noisy halls. Well, he thought with a grimace, he was about to find out how well he’d manage that particular tight rope. 

He made his way out and gripped the straps of his backpack as he walked to the next hall over. He poked his head around the corner carefully, as if to keep it from being torn off. There, in the middle of a row of lockers, stood Davíd. Butters saw him look around himself with some confusion, before he looked down at his phone. 

He took a deep breath and steadied himself before he finally walked out into the hall and toward Davíd. Each step he took felt shakier than the last, but he made it all the way to Davíd, who looked up from his screen when Butters cleared his throat.

“Oh.” He slipped his phone back into his pocket. “Hey, Butters, didn’t see you there.”

“Hi Davíd!” Butters kept his tone cheery, despite his nerves. “How’s it goin’?” He knew he wouldn’t be able to get through his script if he didn’t have some casual small talk to try to ease some calm into him.

“Uh,” Davíd shrugged, “alright, I guess. Not much happening right now. I guess I’m just enjoying that while I can before my away game on the twentieth.” 

“Oh, will that be a lot of work?” Butters waited for Davíd to look away so he could discreetly retrieve the script from his pocket. Davíd huffed a little laugh and shook his head.

“I’ll basically have to eat, breathe, and sweat soccer for the whole week. And the game itself is gonna be pretty stressful, I’m sure. But anyway, how’ve you been?” Butters gulped and worked out the creases in the paper.

“Pretty good!” He tried for a shrug, which was more of a jerk. “Can’t complain.” Davíd winced a bit at his volume.

“You sure, dude? You look kinda sweaty.” He pointed out. Butters hastily wiped his forehead and saw that he had, in fact, started to sweat. 

“Haha, don’t worry about that! I just ran here is all.” He said.

“Why the hurry?” Davíd asked. Butters tugged at his collar.

“I was getting’ to that! There’s a – well I just wanted to – oh hamburgers.” He sighed. “Let me just…” He held the paper in front of his chest and cleared his throat. Davíd just watched him curiously. 

“Um-” Butters began. “I better give heaven a call and let them know they’re missin’ an angel.” Davíd tilted his head.

“Uh-” Butters went to number seven.

“I’m glad I’m wearing gloves.” He raised a gloved hand for emphasis. “’Cause you’re too hot to handle. Davíd squinted at him in even greater confusion. Still, Butters kept going.

“If you were a spider, you’d be a daddy long legs.” Butters chanced a look up and saw that Davíd still looked lost, but at least not upset. He looked at the next one and felt his cheeks burn. 

“Do you work at Build-A-Bear? ‘Cause I’d stuff you.” Oh, god, why couldn’t he have just died right then and there before he could say anything else?

“Is your middle name ‘Gillette’? ‘Cause you’re the best a man can get.” It was a miracle that Davíd hadn’t walked away by now. Oh, this next one wasn’t too bad.

“Is your face from Mcdonald’s? ‘Cause I’m lovin’ it.” Oh, this next one was bad.

“Did you grow up on a farm? ‘Cause you sure know how to raise a good- uh, cock.” He could vaguely see that Davíd had moved his hand, so Butters tried to get a few more out before he could get slapped.

“Is that a mirror in your pocket? ‘Cause I can see myself in your pants.” He just hoped that it would be quick. “Are your initials LSD? ‘Cause you got me trippin’.” And, god willing, he wouldn’t bruise too bad. “I lost my virginity, can I have yours?” As soon as he’d gotten through enough of them, he ducked his head down and brought his hands over it, ready to protect himself. 

But his arms fell when, instead of upset cursing, he was met with the sound of stifled laughter. He raised his head back up and saw Davíd, holding himself and shaking with snorts that spilled past him. Butters was about to consider this a bittersweet victory; Davíd wasn’t charmed by the pick-up lines but he was still laughing at Butters.

And then Davíd managed to open his eyes and Butters didn’t see any kind of ridicule in them. It was almost like he was laughing with Butters, not at him. Davíd took a couple steadying breaths and spoke through his chuckles.

“Those, pfft-” he waved a hand in front of him, “those were fucking awful. Oh my god, that was so bad.” Unkind though they were, his words didn’t carry any real derision in them. Now it was Butters’ turn to be confused.

“Oh, uh, sorry. Those were the…” best ones? They were terrible! But then again, so were the other ones he found, “only ones that made any sense.”

“Jesus, I can’t imagine how much worse they could get.” He laughed. “Who is that supposed to be for, anyway?” Butters’ eyes widened. Oh god, he didn’t know what Butters was trying and failing to do! Butters silently thanked Christ and put on a shy smile.

“Oh, that’s for, uh, Kenny!” It seemed like Kenny was his go-to answer to most questions these days. He’d have to do something about that, soon. “I wasn’t sure how to ask him out, so I was thinking I could use these to make him laugh. I thought, you know, if I said all this ridiculous stuff to him right off the bat, he wouldn’t think it was that ridiculous if I told him I actually like him.” Guilt churned in Butters’ stomach. He sure didn’t like to lie, but damn if he hadn’t gotten decent at it.

“Ohhh.” Davíd nodded. “Well, when you get past how corny those pick-up lines are, they’re pretty funny.”

“Really? That’s good.” He thought for a second. “That’s what I wanted to get your opinion on.”

“Huh.” Davíd said. “You know, I personally think Kenny would get a kick out of the dirtier ones. Or, I don’t know if he would prefer something cheesier? I do know that he’d like the ones you told me just now, he loves using shitty pick-up lines.” 

“Great! Thanks, Davíd. I gotta go now.” He made to turn around and power-walk away from what was almost a disaster.

“Hey, wait.” Davíd said. “I get that you’re feeling nervous about asking Kenny out, but I don’t think there’s any reason to be. I can’t speak for how he might feel about you romantically, but I can tell you that he won’t think you’re ridiculous for it. Don’t sell yourself short!” He gave Butters a pat on the back. “You’re a nice guy and you’re a really good friend of his. The worst he could do is let you down gently.” Butters blinked at him, surprised by the genuine support and advice. 

“Aw, thanks!” He smiled. “I hope you’re right about that. I’m gonna go for it, one of these days. Eventually.” 

“Good luck.” He gave a quick look around. “By the way, have you seen Kyle? He usually gets here before I do and he’s not replying to any of my texts.” Butters gulped. There was that pesky guilt again.

“No, sorry, I haven’t.” He shook his head. “Maybe he got held up in class?” 

“Maybe.” Davíd checked his phone one last time and sighed. “Thanks, Butters. See you later.” He gave him a wave and walked out the hall. As soon as he went out the door to the field, Butters’ whole body sagged in relief. To think he’d been worried about this so much when all it took was a simple misunderstanding to eliminate his problem. 

And there was still plenty of time for him to get his lunch and actually enjoy it today. At least he thought so until he turned the corner and almost collided with Eric, who didn’t even flinch. Butters moved back a bit.

“Hey, Eric! Uh, how long have you been standing here?” he asked.

“Long enough, Butters.” He sighed. “God, for someone with such a limited set of guys to choose from, David’s picky as hell! I can’t believe he just laughed at you to your face, that’s stone-cold. Well, you did your best.” He patted Butter’s back sympathetically. Did his best?

“Wait, did you hear any of that?” Eric shook his head.

“No, these jackasses couldn’t stay quiet long enough for me to properly eavesdrop.” He gestured to the students milling around the halls. “I caught enough from the body language, though. Don’t let it bring you down, Butters. After all, he is an asshole.” Butters shrugged.

“I’m not upset, Eric. And you can’t blame him for it, he said I’m just not his type.” Somehow, lying to Eric came with no remorse. Eric squinted at him.

“Not his type? What the fuck does he mean, not his type?” He put a hand on his forehead. “Christ, isn’t that a fucking wrench in our plan.” 

“We might not even need the plan though, Eric. If I’m not his type, then maybe Kyle isn’t either.” He said. Eric looked at him for a moment, pensive.

“Butters, I think there’s a chance you were right yesterday.” He said.

“Really? About what?” He asked, not sure of what Eric was referring to. 

“When I showed you that gay alignment chart at the coffee shop, you said that it wasn’t accurate. At first I thought you were just butthurt because you didn’t like the facts, but this new development has me rethinking that.” He sighed. “I’ll be honest, I was kinda hasty with my research. God, I can’t believe I let myself get sloppy on something so important.”

“Yeah… hey, what did you do to get Kyle from meeting up with Davíd?” Butters ventured.

“Oh, that.” Eric frowned. “I don’t like having to show this much restraint, but all I did was ruin the essay Kyle turned into class today. I just took his original document and sprinkled in a few racial slurs here and there. Nothing so bad that it’d be obvious right away, but enough to get him in trouble.”

“Uh-huh.” Butters said, surprised that Eric really had toned his actions down a bit. 

“At least now I can scrap the plan.” Butters was incredibly grateful to whoever was listening to his pleas. “I’m gonna spend more time on my research today so this doesn’t happen again.” Butters then silently cursed his rotten luck. “I’ll get back to you on the new plan sometime tomorrow, Butters. I better get to work.” Eric walked away and muttered to himself while Butters watched on, exasperated.

He trudged on to the cafeteria and distantly hoped that whatever they were serving would be good enough to bring his appetite back.

 

 

 

“UUUUGH.” Kyle let his head thunk onto the table. “This is such bull shit!”

“I think you might have mentioned that.” Davíd said without looking up from his homework. There was a lull in customers at his parents’ restaurant, so he sat beside Kyle, who was complaining just a bit more than he was working. Kyle put his pen down and rubbed his temple.

“I can’t believe I didn’t score high enough. It was a good fucking essay! I actually put effort into it!” Davíd took a sip of lemonade and hummed.

“I told you it wasn’t a good idea to imply that Emily Dickinson was a lesbian in your paper when you were gonna turn it in to your most homophobic teacher.” Kyle slapped his hand against the table.

“Emily Dickinson WAS a lesbian! The prompt was: pick a famous poet who revealed deeper truths about themselves in their work and discuss what they revealed! That’s exactly what I did.” Davíd tapped his pencil against the desk. 

“Maybe you should have picked a straight poet with a weird fetish.” Kyle laughed humorlessly.

“Somehow, I think he would have taken that more seriously. Still, though, even if he didn’t like what I had to say, he can’t tell me I’m wrong. The lines I quoted from her were so gay, like, it wasn’t even subtext, it was just text.” Davíd crunched on a tortilla chip from the center of the table.

“I thought it wasn’t confirmed that she was gay, though?” Kyle rolled his eyes.

“It’s not confirmed only because it hasn’t been properly looked into. Like, I even mentioned that thing she had with her sister in law and that was just the most painfully obvious proof.” Davíd’s lip curved.

“Weren’t those two only good friends?” He said, to get a reaction out of Kyle.

“That’s just what the historians want you to think.” He grumbled. “But I really can’t believe he made me stay in for lunch to start writing a new one. What an asshole.” Davíd laughed.

“You can just say you missed me during lunch, I promise I won’t make fun of you too much.” Kyle smirked.

“Only if you admit you missed me more.” He teased.

“Okay. I missed you more.” Davíd said, calm as can be. Kyle’s grin faltered, but his stupid mouth didn’t stop.

“Yup, yeah of course you did. That’s what I thought.” He cleared his throat.

“If that’s not enough, you should know that I can’t get through a full minute without thinking about you.” Davíd teased back. Kyle, once again, didn’t have a decent response to that.

“Shut the fuck up!” Kyle whispered harshly as Davíd snorted, that bastard. And he started to laugh when Kyle scooted a foot to the right and faced away from him. They worked in silence for a bit before Davíd began to laugh again, this time hard enough that he had to stop writing. Kyle turned back to face him, curious.

“I just remembered what happened during lunch.” He coughed. “You should have been there. Butters was asking me for relationship advice in his own weird way and-” He chuckled. “Oh, god, let me try to remember everything he said, it was so stupid.”

By the end of the story, they were both holding in obnoxious laughter. Davíd from the memory and Kyle from the mental image of someone as sweet and dorky as Butters saying all those things. Then Kyle’s laugh got stuck in his throat when he caught Davíd with a hand over his mouth, probably to keep from laughing too loud. 

Kyle wanted nothing more than to reach over and pull his hand away from his face. Then he’d get to hear Davíd laugh freely and see his pretty smile. Kyle cleared his throat as Davíd’s chuckled died down. No, he wasn’t quite there yet. Soon, he thought to himself. But the more he repeated “soon” to himself, the more his patience wore down. For now he just gripped his pen a little harder and exhaled slowly. Very soon, he decided.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sowwy I haven't had the other boys show up yet, but they'll be in the next chapter! I pwomise :3c


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's other boys in this chapter! Finally! And I'm almost done with chapter five but it's a doozy so blease be patient.

That night, at about 7:30 ish, Butters got a text from Eric saying that he’d figured everything out and to wait for him by the supply closet to discuss their next course of action. Butters went to bed early that night, since he knew he’d need as much rest as he could get. He hoped this wouldn’t last much longer as he made his way to the closet the next day.

Eric was already waiting for him when he got there. He wasted no time in pulling out another sheet of paper like the one he’d shown him at the coffee shop. 

“Morning, Butters. Hope you got a light lunch packed, because we’re gonna be pretty busy today.” He said.

“I never pack a lunch. I can’t really make anything better than a salad, right now.” Eric grimaced.

“Gross. Anyway, further research has revealed to me an even deeper layer of complexity within the gay community.” He unfolded his paper and revealed a larger drawing of the gay alignment chart. It was littered with notes and doodles of their friends. “Remember how I wanted to keep it simple by leaving out other terms like “tops” and “bottoms”? Yesterday’s complication made me see that those were very crucial in determining David’s type.”

“What are tops and bottoms?” Butters asked.

“They’re two opposite ends of the sexual spectrum of gay men, with “versatile” in the middle. The “tops” are the ones with the penetrative role in sex, while the “bottoms” are the ones being penetrated. Get what I’m saying?” He referred to his notes.

“Eric, what does that have to do with us? We’re way too young to be doing that!” Butters said.

“I’m not saying we’re not, I’m just saying that we’re not too young to be subtly influenced by that.” He coughed. “I mean THEY’RE not too young to be influenced by that. You know, the gays.”

“Oh.” Butters said.

“And even still, there’s the matter of attitudes. Like, some guys are submissive, which is to say that they sit back and let their partner do all the work. And there’s dominant guys, who take control and have all the power in the situation.”

“Power?” Butters asked.

“Yes, power. I think it all sort of comes together to form a gay hierarchy.” He squinted at his paper. “But hierarchy probably isn’t the right word. From what I can tell, it’s more like a rock paper scissors cycle.”

“Where does the power come from?” Butters questioned, still perplexed.

“Well, it’s a few things.” He listed them off on his fingers. “There’s each individual guy’s personality to take into consideration. And then there’s the basic stuff, like size and strength.” Butters hummed.

“Does speed have anything to do with it?” Eric started walking down the hall and motioned for Butters to follow him.

“Speed has everything to do with it.” He assured him. “And I can’t get a clear read on where David falls there, so that leaves a few things open. Since you weren’t successful, our best bet is going the masculine route. And as much as it pains me to say it, Kyle is marginally more masculine than you are, no offense.”

“Uh, none taken?” He said. “Does that mean we’re gonna have to find another guy?” 

“We will indeed.” Eric said. “That’s what we’re gonna do right now.” Before Butters had even noticed, they’d made it to the cafeteria doors. Eric pushed through and scanned the room until he settled on a table to the back left. “There’s our primary target at ten o’ clock.” 

As they got closer, Butters saw Clyde, Token, and Jimmy sitting at the table, and they seemed to be in some sort of debate. 

“Hey, fellas!” Butters greeted. “Where’s Tweek and Craig?” 

“Tweek had a thing for Drama club and Craig didn’t want him to go alone.” Clyde answered. “Anyway, eating cookie dough right out of the tube isn’t going to kill me, guys. Trust me, I’ve experimented on plenty of raw foods in the past and cookie dough only caused mild indigestion.” Clyde said.

“We know i-it won’t k-kill you, Clyde. And why would you s-still eat it raw if you know it causes indig- gestion?” Jimmy asked.

“Uh, because indigestion is manageable? And totally worth the taste of raw cookie dough. Honestly, you guys should try it, it’s just like ice cream.” He raised his eyebrows.

“Ice cream doesn’t have flour and eggs in it, dude.” Token pointed out. “And just because you can eat something without dying doesn’t mean you should.”

“And why not? What doesn’t kill me makes me stronger.” He took a sip of his milk as Token and Jimmy exchanged baffled looks. Token reached over and put a hand on Clyde’s forearm.

“Clyde, I’m really glad I became your friend before your flawed logic could kill you.” Clyde looked caught off-guard, but recovered with a genuine smile.

“Thanks, bro.” He side- hugged Token. “I’m glad I’m your friend, too.” Jimmy opened his mouth to correct him, but decided against it. 

“Sorry to interrupt your riveting conversation, guys.” Eric butted in. “But I just need to borrow one of you for a minute to ask for a favor.” Token’s expression soured, Clyde peered at him curiously, and Jimmy perked up in interest.

“I-if you want me to do s-something for you, take this.” He reached into his pocket and pulled out a business card. “It’s got all m-my available hours and days. And the nu-number to reach my secretary. But I’ll t-tell you now, I charge b-b-by the hour.” 

“You have a secretary?” Butters asked in awe. Jimmy nodded.

“That’s r-right! I only hired Timmy a few w-weeks ago, but he’s gotten great reviews from customers, and I’ve even made a little more p-p-profit.” He puffed his chest with pride. 

“That’s nice, Jimmy, but I won’t be needing your services for this.” Eric said, though he did accept the business card. “I’m here for Token, specifically.” Upon hearing his name, Token raised a brow.

“Why?” He asked curtly.

“Just so I don’t waste my time, are you currently single? And follow-up question: you’re into men, correct?” Eric asked. 

“Why?” Token asked again. Eric sighed.

“Token, there’s no need to get hostile, all I want to know is if you’d be interested in helping me out. You see, I’m trying to stop a potentially dangerous relationship from starting, and I think you might be able to do what Butters here failed to do.” He said.

“And all I want to know is: why do you need me specifically? Why can’t you go bother someone else?” 

“Because, Token, you fit exactly what I’m looking for. You’re somewhere in the LGBT community, you’re fit, you’re handsome, you’re masculine, and you’re not seeing anybody right now, as far as I can tell. And that is exactly the type of guy I’m trying to set David up with before Kyle can get to him.” He explained.

“No thank you.” Token shook his head. “First off, I don’t want to get involved in whatever the hell you’re doing. Second, I’m not into Davíd like that.” 

“What is it with you guys and feelings?” Eric asked. “I’m not asking you to take him to fucking Olive Garden, I just want you to make him fall for you so he forgets about Kyle. Then they won’t get together, and I’ll be safe from their wrath.”

“Hard pass.” Token took a bite out of his sandwich, ending the conversation.

“Ugh, thanks for nothing.” Eric groaned and turned to Butters. “God damn it, I don’t know any other guys who fit that criteria! What are we gonna do?” Then someone pointedly cleared his throat, and Eric saw that Clyde was looking at him.

“Are you sure you don’t know any guys who fit what you’re looking for?” He asked, and batted his lashes for effect. 

“No, none come to mind.” Eric leaned forward. “Why, do you know any?” 

“Uh, me, obviously.” Clyde said, like it was obvious.

“Clyde, this is seriously. I’m not in the mood for jokes right now.” Eric said.

“Who says I’m not being serious?” Clyde asked, offended. “I’m handsome, I’m masculine, I’m bi.” 

“One of those things is objectively true.” Eric said.

“Up yours.” Clyde flipped him off. 

“D-dude, don’t listen to him.” Jimmy said.

“Do you actually want to try to snatch up Davíd or whatever?” Token asked. 

“No.” Clyde huffed petulantly. “I think Kyle and Davíd would be good together. I’m not a home-wrecker by choice.”

“I thought they’d be good together, too!” Butters said, which earned a glare from Eric.

“So if you’re not gonna get involved in that, why do you c-c-care that he didn’t ask you?” Jimmy asked.

“I at least wanted to be considered.” He crossed his arms. “I like to feel handsome, sue me!” 

“You’re handsome, Clyde, don’t worry.” Token patted his arm. “You know you can’t trust Cartman’s judgment.” 

“Ey!” Eric was ignored. Clyde leaned over and rested his head on Token’s shoulder to encourage his comforting gestures.

“Thank you, Token.” He closed his eyes. “At least you appreciate me like I deserve.” 

“Oh my gooood.” Eric threw his head back. “Let’s go, Butters. We’re wasting precious time with these guys.” He turned and left the table.

“Bye, fellas!” Butters called to them.

“Bye, Butters.” Jimmy gave a little wave.

“Dude, has this school always been so gay?” Eric asked him once they were out of earshot. “Don’t get me wrong, I don’t have a problem with it. It just seems a bit excessive, doesn’t it?”

“Why’s that so bad?” Butters asked, with a little challenge in his voice.

“It’s not, Jesus, just – whatever.” He sighed. “Damn it, I was counting on Token saying yes. I already arranged for David to be alone again for lunch so Token could get started right away.”

“What did you do to get him alone again?” Butters asked with mild concern.

“I paid this kid in Kyle’s math class to act like he desperately needed Kyle to tutor him.” He said. “I didn’t even have to pay him that much, he just really needed the money as soon as possible. He’s good, too, he can cry on command and everything. And you know how sympathetic Kyle can get, so he’ll fell for that shit easy.” 

“Huh.” Guess his money was going to waste.

“I hate to let my money go to waste.” Eric said darkly. “Come on, Butters, think! Do we know any other single, masculine, attractive guys who are into guys?” And like so many times in the past few days, that same image popped into Butters’ head. And, to his dismay, his crush did hit every mark on the list.

“Well…” he hesitated. “there’s one guy I can think of.” 

 

 

 

“Hey, Butters, what’s poppin’?” Kenny asked as he strolled into the supply closet. This is where Butters had said to meet him, but he hadn’t mentioned that Cartman would be here, too. Well, he thought to himself, this is why he shouldn’t have gotten his hopes up when he read Butters’ text.

“What the hell is he doing here?” Cartman asked, pointing an accusing finger at Kenny. “Butters, please tell me this isn’t who you had in mind.” This could have been going better, Kenny thought.

“I think Kenny would be a great fit! He’s good-looking, he’s single, he’s nice, he’s tall.” On second thought, Kenny decided this was going very well. “And he’s into fellas, right, Ken?”

“You got that right.” He responded easily. “But you forgot to mention that I’m also charming as hell.” He winked. Butters smiled up at him and turned back to Eric, who didn’t look so convinced.

“See? He could do it just fine.”Butters said.

“Well, your case for him isn’t entirely nonexistent.” Eric conceded. “But I’m still not positive he could pull it off.”

“Sure, I can pull it off.” Kenny raised a hand. “What am I pulling off, exactly?” 

“Oh, Eric has this whole plan to, uh…” Butters trailed off.

“I’m gonna try to stop David and Kyle from dating each other.” He finished.

“Come again?” Kenny asked.

“I need to make sure they don’t end up together. Because there is no doubt in my mind that if they do, they will combine their forces and destroy me.” Kenny blinked.

“You think that if Kyle and Davíd start dating, they’re gonna destroy you?” 

“Obviously, Kenny. God, keep up.” He sighed. “I’ve been looking for someone to seduce David away from Kyle before Kyle can seal the deal, which I fear may be soon. And apparently, that’s what Butters brought you here for.” Kenny nodded along, absorbing the information. He moved part of his hood up to cover his mouth so he wouldn’t have to explain the grin he could feel spreading across it. 

It was such a stupid plan, he felt like he needed to sit down. It was shitty of Cartman, as his intentions usually were. And he definitely didn’t want to work against a relationship forming between Kyle and Davíd. He’d been rooting for those two since middle school and it was painful to watch them flirt and be soft with each other while they remained “just friends with absolutely no interest in each other.”

Also, why was Butters involved in this? Was he being blackmailed again? Kenny guessed he’d find out soon enough, but even with the worry for his “friend who’s also kind of his crush”, he couldn’t tamp his grin down. This sort of ridiculous shit felt extremely nostalgic for him. He couldn’t help it if he was a tad happy that some things never changed.

“So you want me to go and charm Davíd right out of Kyle’s hands?” Kenny asked.

“’Want’ is a strong word, but yes. I guess you’re the only single, masculine, decent-looking guy we have available.” Cartman said, resigned. Kenny didn’t know about masculine, but he’d keep quiet on that for now. 

“Sure, I’ll do it.” He shrugged. “I’m not busy right now, anyway.” Butters eyebrows flew up in surprise, as did Eric’s before he caught himself.

“Well… cool, then.” He put a hand to his chin in thought. “Now, you’re definitely better than nothing, I’ll give you that. But your reputation is pretty far from the guy I originally wanted to get on board. I’m gonna have to make some changes to our next course of action.” He took a pen out of his pocket and started to scribble something down on the backside of his extended gay alignment chart. 

While he mumbled to himself, Kenny looked over to Butters. Once he got his attention, he quirked an eyebrow at him and inclined his head to Cartman, as if to ask what the deal was. Butters glanced away nervously for a second, then he silently mouthed “later”. Eric stopped writing and looked over his work before nodding to himself in approval.

“It might be a long shot, but it’s the best I can come up with under such short notice.” He folded the paper back up and put it back in his pocket. “I’ll let you guys know what the new plan is later on, as soon as I know for sure what we’re going with. For now, though, I gotta go take care of a few things.” 

“You gonna ditch?” Kenny asked. 

“Yeah, I got a lot to do and not a lot of time to do it.” He rolled his shoulders. “I’ll just have to hope that my contacts will be willing and amiable, even though I haven’t even called ahead. Whatever, you two just stay rested and keep an eye on Kyle and David. Let me know right away if there are any new developments.” Then he walked out the supply closet and shut the door behind him, leaving Butters and Kenny alone together.

Butters gave a shaky sigh and turned his big, apologetic eyes to Kenny.

“Aw, Ken, I swear I didn’t mean to drag you into all of this, too.” He said. “I hope you understand why I did, though.”

“I’m sure I will.” Kenny said gently. “Just as soon as I get an actual explanation from you.” 

“Oh! Sorry, I guess you don’t have the full story yet.” He had an embarrassed blush on his face, the sight of which Kenny quietly appreciated.

“Don’t worry about it, dude. Can you just answer a few questions for me to make this simpler?” 

“Sure thing!” Butters nodded. “What do you want to know?”

“Do you really want to keep Kyle and Davíd from ending up with each other?” He asked.

“Not at all!” Butters gave a mad little pout. It was like he really couldn’t help but make every gesture cute. Or maybe that was just how Kenny saw it. “Eric’s just bein’ ridiculous, actin’ all scared like they’re gonna go after him as soon as they go out. I don’t agree with what he’s trying to do here, interferin’ in their business.”

“That’s a relief.” And it was. Butters was still a bit gullible these days, but at least he hadn’t joined in on Cartman’s fear this time around. “So why are you helping him find attractive young men to steal Davíd away from Kyle?” Butters knocked his balled up fists together in a familiar little gesture of discomfort.

“I’m not helpin’ him, honest! I’m tryin’ to do the opposite, actually.” He put his hands down. “You know that when Eric’s not stopped, he usually gets what he wants. I’m just actin’ like I’m on his side for now. If he thinks I’m with him, he won’t find out that I’m trying to make sure he fails.” 

“Huh.” Kenny smiled. “That’s really cool of you, Butters. And awfully sneaky, too.” 

“Aw, thanks.” Butters flashed a shy little grin. 

“So why did you get me involved in this? Did you want me to help you ruin it?” He asked. 

“I wasn’t really thinkin’ when I suggested you to Eric. It’s just, he said we needed to find a single, good-lookin’, masculine guy and, uh.” He looked down at his shoes. “You were the first guy that came to mind.” Kenny wanted to respond with something smooth, but he was taken aback by the sudden, honest compliment. He’d forgotten how freely Butters could dish those out.

“You forgot charming, again.” He said, and gave his goofiest grin to illustrate his point. It got a laugh out of Butters, too, which was a bonus. 

“But why did you agree so quickly, if you didn’t know what I was plannin’?” Butters asked.

“I thought it’d be a good idea to just roll with it.” He shrugged. “Also, his plan is so fucking dumb. I didn’t want to miss my chance at a front row seat to the shitshow. And the fact that I get to contribute to it is such an honor.”

“Is it bad if I kind of want to see how this all goes down, too?” Butters asked, barely suppressing an impish grin of his own.

“Probably.” Kenny joked. “I think I already know an easy way I can fuck up the plan, too. It seems like Cartman’s putting a lot of emphasis on having a masculine guy try to snatch Davíd up, so he definitely picked the wrong guy for the job.” He hesitated a moment before he admitted, “I’m not even really a guy, most days.” as nonchalantly as he could.

“What do you mean?” Butters asked with only innocent curiosity.

“Oh, you know.” He gestured vaguely. “I just got some gender shit going on.” 

“Ohhh.” Butters eyes widened. “Should I start using different, uh, pronouns or names for you?” If Kenny was even a little bit weaker, he would have melted at Butters’ immediate understanding and sincerity. He knew South Park was no longer a place where queerphobes were generally safe, but he still worried about how his recent discovery might be taken.

“Kenny’s fine. And I don’t have a problem with ‘he’, but I’ve liked the sound of ‘she’ for a while.” He tried not to sound too hopeful. “I can see myself getting used to it, to be perfectly honest.”

“Well then,” Butters put a hand on his shoulder, “you just let me know when the occasion calls for it.” God, he was so fucking sweet. Kenny knew that he liked Butters; and he’d acknowledged it just a few months ago. But now he also knew that he was going to snatch Butters up for himself before someone else could beat him to it.

 

 

 

This time, Davíd only gave Kyle a quick wave before he hit the showers after practice. He wanted to get home in time to get some home work done before he started his shift. That way he’d be able to spend more time with Kyle, which he felt he hadn’t done enough this week. Yesterday, it was the essay. Today, some poor kid in his class needed his help right away.

“It was so… disarming, honestly.” Kyle told him the full story on the walk to the restaurant. “He’s not top of the class or anything, but I’m pretty sure he’s at least got a B. He was just so… weirdly terrified. He said he needed me to explain the lesson to him because it didn’t make sense the first time, right?” Davíd nodded. “Yeah, but the first time, he just seemed a little worried. And then I asked if he could meet up with me after school so I could have more time to go into it. Then he – these tears just come pouring from his eyes in half a second!”

“Woah, really?” Davíd asked.

“His lip was quivering and his voice was all watery. And then he just says “Oh, never mind, I don’t want to bother you”. And I’m just standing there with my mouth hanging open, like an idiot.”

“Are you two friends or something?”

“No, we’ve barely spoken to each other! That’s part of the reason I was so surprised that he came to me and reacted that way.” Kyle adjusted his back pack. “Anyway, once I saw him start to turn around I said okay, I’d help him during lunch. Then the tears stop immediately, like he just turned off a faucet. And he just goes back to acting completely calm and normal for the rest of lunch?”

“That sounds pretty weird.” Davíd commented. “Maybe he like, shut off his emotions really quick because he didn’t want to be seen crying anymore.”

“Maybe.” Kyle said. “What’s weirder is that when lunch ended, I hadn’t finished breaking down what we learned in class today. But as soon as the bell rings, he just picks up his stuff and leaves before he can tell me if he wants to me to keep tutoring him after school or tomorrow.” That didn’t sound right.

“Huh. You’d think after he got so worked up over the material, he’d care more about getting everything cleared up.” Davíd said.

“That’s what I was thinking.” Kyle scrunched up his nose. “But I guess it doesn’t matter how strange he was acting. As long as he got what he needed, it’s fine.” 

“If he got that at all.” Davíd said. 

“Hopefully.” Kyle said. “Anyway, sorry I couldn’t hang out with you for lunch today either. Like I said, I was a little preoccupied.”

“Normally, I wouldn’t mind it. But I’m feeling a little hurt that you chose some random boy in your class over me.” He said as he wiped away an imaginary tear. Kyle rolled his eyes fondly.

“To tell you the truth, there’s more to it than that. I’ve secretly been trying to replace you with someone else for a while. And I’m sorry to tell you this, but I think guys who struggle with math are better suited for me than guys who play soccer.” Davíd gasped, and even went as far as putting a hand over his mouth.

“How could you?” Kyle looked away dramatically.

“I didn’t want you to find out like this.” Davíd sniffled.

“I can’t believe you.” He pointed at Kyle. “Just for that, I’m taking everything you own in the divorce.” Kyle snorted and struggled to maintain a somber expression.

“I’ll give you my old Wii games in exchange for… all of your sweaters.” He laughed when Davíd gave him a light smack on the shoulder.

“You say that like you think this is a negotiation. I’m getting all your shit, plus custody of Ike. And I’ll die before I let you steal my sweaters.” Kyle barked a laugh.

“What are you so upset about? I never see you wear them! It’s like you don’t get cold.” He shot Davíd a glare with absolutely no heat. “And fuck off, he’s my brother.”

“You may be his brother, but you’re not his favorite.” Davíd said with a grin. Then it was Kyle’s turn to gasp.

“Just for that, I’m taking your sweaters AND your baby sister.” But his smile fell when he saw Davíd looking at him without any trace of humor.

“Don’t even joke about that. I know how you are with babies.” He said.

“Aw, dude, that was a long time ago! I swear I don’t do the kicking game anymore!” he defended weakly. And then Davíd dropped his serious expression. 

“I think I’ll get way more in the settlement if I mention that to the judge.” He said.

“God, I though you liked me.” Kyle whined. More than he knew, Davíd thought to himself. The conversation seemed to end with that complaint. The rest of the walk was filled with a comfortable silence.

When they were a block away from the restaurant, Davíd noticed that he’d gotten about five feet ahead of Kyle. He turned back and saw that Kyle had stopped walking and was now staring at the sidewalk, deep in thought. It seemed like he was trying to figure something out.

“Hey,” Davíd took a step closer, “what’s wrong?” Kyle opened his mouth, closed it, then opened it again before he settled on something to say.

“It’s – I just,” He took a quick breath, “I wanted to ask if…” 

Davíd’s breath hitched in his throat as traitorous little butterflies began to stir in his belly. He knew he shouldn’t get his hopes up, but if Kyle was acting so nervous and unsure, it might be what he wanted it to be. 

“If what?” He asked, and tried not to let the anticipation seep into his voice. Kyle looked up at him for and held his gaze for a moment. Then he shook his head lightly and looked away again.

“Nothing, I – I forgot.” He said lamely.

“Oh.” Davíd said, disappointed. Of course he wouldn’t ask him that, Davíd was just being a little too optimistic. The silence that stretched for the rest of the walk was awkward and palpable. Davíd looked at Kyle out of the corner of his eye and saw him staring at nothing specific straight ahead.

He sighed. It had to happen eventually, he knew. And he was so tired of waiting around. But Davíd had known for a while that he couldn’t be the one to ask, since Kyle had already made it very clear where they stood. He’d just have to hold out for a little longer, he told himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You'd have to pry my genderfluid Kenny hcs from my cold, dead hands


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Prepare to be punk'd

The next day, Eric didn’t show up to school at all. But he was able to send a group message to Butters and Kenny, giving them a brief run-down of the plan.

Eric: alright it took some doing but I got us a reservation for two at olive garden tomorrow and a way to keep kyle from showing his face

Me: is he gonna be tutoring that boy in his class again?

Eric: today yes but tomorrow im gonna have to make sure he doesn’t get into contact with anyone at all

Ken<3: wow that doesnt sound shady

Eric: whatever dont worry about that part. All u guys have to do write a note david telling him to meet you at olive garden tomorrow at 7:30. Dont say who its from, make it all vague and romantic and crap. 

Me: oooo should we imply that its from kyle?

Ken<3: dude yeah thats the best way to make sure he’ll go

Eric: IMPLY IT but dont fucking give anything away!!! If u guys ruin the easiest part I stg

Ken<3: well be subtle dw

Me: whats gonna happen when Davíd shows up and we’re there instead?

Eric: see, thats why you gotta be vague. That way he cant be upset that kyle didnt show up if he was expecting him, bc technically the note never specified who it was. Kenny ur gonna be waiting for him at a table, looking handsome and groomed. And butters ur gonna disguise urself as a waiter so u can keep an eye on them, make sure everything goes okay without interacting.

Me: are you sure that’s gonna work?

Eric: I know it will. Plus what douche is gonna turn down a free meal? And to make sure he doesn’t turn it down, ur gonna have to wear the nicest thing u own Kenny 

Ken<3: kk

Eric: and don’t wear that stained blue suit dude. Steal something if u have to, u gotta look GOOD ok?

Ken<3: I wasnt gonna wear that thing anyway. Its defo not the nicest thing I own, trust

Eric: really?? Thank god

Me: u sure u got ur outfit covered Ken? I could pitch in if u want

Ken<3: appreciate it butters but believe me I don’t need it. Im gonna look so god damn GOOD dude. U don’t even know. Those olive garden hoes aint ready for me 

Eric: save that confidence, youll need it on ur “date”

Me: hey wait I thought u said we weren’t gonna do olive garden?

Eric: I told TOKEN we wouldnt do olive garden bc he’s loaded and everybody knows it so he doesnt have to try. With Kenny tho, we gotta make a big ass effort to make up for everything about him

Ken<3: ohhh kinda like how u embellish stories abt urself to make up for how much u suck?

Eric: HEY! DO YOU WANT YOUR MEAL TO BE FREE OR NOT??

Me: please don’t fight guys!

Eric: whatever. U both know what to do so get to it. And get to the olive garden early tomorrow!

Ken<3: oh hey cartman before u go, I’m actually gonna need a little cash to do something with my hair? Want to help a guy out :^)?

Eric: fine how much do u need?

Ken<3: like 60 bucks

Eric: TF??

Ken<3: dude I know but u said I gotta look my best and I know where to go and what to buy to do that. Pretty please ;3c?

Eric: Kenny I stg if u don’t look like a god damn model tomorrow I’m gonna kick ur ass

Ken<3: not if u fall in love w me first ;0

Eric: ugh bye

So Butters and Kenny met up during lunch to carefully write out a note to Davíd. Butters read it aloud once they thought they had it right.

“Dear Davíd, there’s something important I need to ask you that I’ve been too nervous to say out loud. Until today, at least. I wanted it to be a special occasion, so please meet me at the Olive Garden tonight at 7:30. Just give them your name when you get there and I’ll be waiting for you.” Kenny high-fived him once he finished.

“I think we nailed it!” 

“I like it.” Butters said. “Hey, Ken, are you sure you don’t need me to lend you a hand with your outfit? I wouldn’t mind at all.”

“I promise, dude, I got it covered. All I got to do is iron it and it’ll be ready to go.” He smiled. “And after school tomorrow, I’m heading straight to the salon to get my hair taken care of.”

“The salon?” Butters asked. “I thought you were just gonna get some fancy product for it.” 

“It’s gonna take more than product to tame this-” he gestured to his wild hair “into something manageable.”

“Do you want me to go with you? I bet it gets boring when you have to wait by yourself.” Butters offered.

“Thanks, but I’ll make it out okay. Besides, you have to get ready, too, remember? Cartman wants you to show up extra early at the Olive Garden so you can blend in better with the staff.” Kenny reminded him.

“Oh, geez, I hope no one tries to get me to take their order.” Kenny laughed and bumped shoulders with him, pulling a little smile out of him. “Are you worried at all about tomorrow night? Like, how Davíd and Kyle are gonna react to all of this?”

“Oh they’ll definitely be pissed.” Kenny nodded. “But believe me, they’ll know who to aim their frustrations at. Everything’s gonna work out fine, just you wait.”

“Do you mean that?” Butters asked.

“Hell yeah. I’m absolutely positive that Kyle and Davíd will be boyfriends by the end of all of this. I’d bet my remaining kidney that it’ll happen before the night’s over.” Butters laughed.

“If you say so.”

The next day, Butters noticed that Eric was at school and Kyle was not. He’d gotten there very early to slip the note, sealed in an envelope, into Davíd’s locker without any witnesses. Later that morning, he watched as Davíd found the envelope, quickly read through it and blinked at it. He looked around him, probably for any trace of Kyle, and looked back to the note.

Davíd shook his head as a fond smile formed on his face. Butters watched his reactions with a funny mixture of joy and worry. He was sure, too, that Eric’s plan wouldn’t succeed, but it was still an awful lot of trouble he was putting Davíd and Kyle through.

Well, he thought as he walked to class, they’d probably be able to laugh about this mess that brought them together someday. Not someday soon, obviously. 

The rest of the day passed with no further issues or drama. It seemed like Eric was too occupied to interrupt his lunch again, so Butters got to enjoy his meal for the first time that week. Better yet, Kenny found him in the cafeteria and brought him all the way to the bleachers to sit with him, Stan, and Davíd. They gave Butters’ an amiable greeting before they got back to their conversation.

“I’m sure he’s fine, Stan. He’d tell us if something was wrong.” Davíd said.

“Right, but he’s not telling us anything at all. He hasn’t answered his phone since yesterday.” Stan pointed out. Butters decided it’d be best if he tried not to add to the conversation, or he’d risk sounding like he knew something. Kenny had no such qualms.

“Maybe the stress of being an over-achiever finally got to him and he decided to take the day off so he wouldn’t have a meltdown at school.” He said.

“He would have mentioned feeling more stressed than usual.” Davíd said.

“Yeah, he talks way too much for us to miss something like that.” Stan said.

“Oooh, I’m gonna tell Kyle on you.” Kenny teased.

“Go ahead and try, he’s been mute all day.” Stan replied. “I just hope he didn’t get kidnapped or anything.”

“We probably would’ve heard his mom shouting around town by now, if he was missing.” Kenny said, then turned to Butters. “What do you think?”

“Um,” he gulped down his mac and cheese, “well, I know Kyle works really hard in his classes, so he’s gotta run out of steam at some point. Oh! I also saw him helping that boy in his class with his math work for two days in a row! And, uh, that kid didn’t seem like he was gonna leave Kyle alone either, so…”

“You think he’d ditch just to avoid some kid in his class?” Davíd asked. “I don’t know, that doesn’t seem like him.” 

“So you agree that he’s been taken and we should go look for him?” Stan asked, only half-joking.

“Well, I don’t think it’s anything that bad.” Davíd said. 

“So what DO you think it is?” Kenny leaned forward. Davíd hesitated before he settled on an answer.

“Maybe it’s just stress.” He shrugged. “Maybe he pulled an all-nighter again and just slept through both of his alarms.” Stan snorted.

“If that’s the case, he’s gonna flip when he wakes up.” They moved on to other topics and Butters nodded when he needed to in order to seem like he was listening. In reality, he was trying to make the same guilty churn in his stomach go away. 

Eric had shown restraint so far, that much was true. But he still hadn’t revealed what he’d done to keep Kyle away for the day. Eric’s resentment for him had landed Kyle in some truly awful places in the past. Butters couldn’t help but assume the worst as he finished his food. He forgot most of his worry throughout the rest of his classes, thankfully.

School ended and he got a text from Kenny on his way home.

Ken<3: omw to get the salon ~uou~

Ken<3: good luck dude! See u later!

And Butters had enough time to get all his homework done within an hour. He had a long while to go before the dreaded “date” and nothing to keep him from fretting. He tried playing with the minions, practicing karaoke songs, and redecorating his room but his heart wasn’t in it. 

Finally, at 5:30, he got his waiter disguise out of the closet and put it on. He had the black slacks, striped tie, and white button up ready to go. He left when his parents weren’t looking and made it to the Olive Garden in ten minutes. He walked through the back door when one of the waitresses walked out for a smoke break. 

Thankfully, he didn’t have to search around long before he found a black apron and a name tag that read “Jerry”. He choked down his nerves and hoped that he passed as a waiter, and as a Jerry.

After about seven minutes of meandering around the restaurant, a waiter walked up to him in a hurry and handed him a tray of pastas and a tray of chicken, which he managed not to drop by some miracle.

“My shift’s over but the table I was working is still here. Could you cover that party for me?” He pointed to a family of four seated at the far right corner. “Thanks.” He jogged away before Butters could protest. But despite his initial worries, he served the table well and got them refills without screwing up or blowing his cover. They even gave him a tip for “being nicer than the last guy” which he appreciated.

He did so well, in fact, that he waited other tables with growing ease. All he had to do was listen a couple times to other waiters and waitresses as they recited their standard greeting. And he used the little notepad he found in his apron pocket to take orders. 

It went on like this for a while, and Butters was having a surprisingly good time. All of the tables he waited on seemed to like him, based on the tips and smiles. He wouldn’t mind working here for real, he thought to himself as he picked up a tray of lemonades for a birthday party.

A few times, he actually forgot that he wasn’t there to take soups and salads to hungry customers. He was reminded of his task at about 7:15 when someone tapped his shoulder.

“Excuse me, I’m looking for someone. Could you help me find him?” A soft voice requested. From over his shoulder, Butters could see that it was a tall, pretty girl wearing a short-brimmed sun hat with a wide, pink ribbon around it. 

“Sure thing, ma’am!” He turned around. “Who’re you looking fo-” She surged forward to take the tray of lemonade from him before he could drop it in surprise. And when she set the tray down on the table for him, she gave him an impish smile over her shoulder.

“Woah, there, Butters! Take it easy, you wouldn’t want to have a spill, it’s your first day on the job.” She turned around and smoothed down the skirt of her pink floral sun dress. Butters gaped at her for another moment before his voice came back.

“Kenny?!” He winced at his own volume and lowered it. “Is that you?”

“The one and only.” Kenny did a little twirl in place, making the dress fan out a bit. “Surprised?”

“Wh- yeah!” Butters sputtered. “You – I thought you were gonna wear a suit?” He gave Kenny a proper once-over and was left just a little more breathless.

“Ah, but I never specified what I’d show up with.” Kenny tapped Butters’ nose. “I DID tell you the other day that Cartman picked the wrong person for the job. But I think anyone will agree that this is one of his best-looking mistakes.” Kenny gave the thin cotton scarf a little toss over a freckled shoulder.

“You’re beautiful!” Butters blurted before he could stop himself. Kenny only gave a pleased little giggle. “Um, do you want me to use “she” right now?” He asked, to keep himself from admitting more incriminating things.

“Be my guest.” Kenny said, with a light blush on her cheeks. Was that makeup?

“Are you wearing makeup?” He asked. 

“Yeah, I’ve been practicing for a while now.” She linked her arm to Butters’. “We should move to our table, I think we’re gonna block people right here.” Butters gave a start.

“Right! Uh, it’s over here.” They walked to the other side of the restaurant to a two-person table tucked away in one of the corner. Butters pulled a chair out for Kenny.

“Why, thank you.” She batted her lashes and crossed one leg over the other. Butters caught the movement and had to force his eyes from wandering too far up her legs.

“I like your shoes.” He said.

“What, these?” Kenny showed off one of his pearl-pink open-toed heels. “They’re alright.” She said, preening.

“Is that what you needed the money for?” Butters asked.

“No, these were a gift.” Kenny said. “I bought a bottle of Nair for seven dollars, got a mani-pedi for thirty, and got my hair styled for fifteen.” She brought a hand up to her hair, which formed a halo of soft curls around her head. “Pretty isn’t cheap. I’ll have to thank Cartman for that, next time I see him.”

“You do look really pretty, Kenny. I mean it.” Butters said, unable to help himself. Kenny gave him a gentle shove.

“Stop!” She folded her hands on the table and leaned forward. “Enough about me, I got an update on Kyle’s whereabouts.” 

“Really? Where is he?” Butters asked, brought out of his bubble of adoration.

“He’s in a holding cell at the police station. Apparently he’s been there since like, three in the morning.”

“What?!” Butters cried. “How did you find out?”

“I’ve been blowing Cartman’s phone up since I left school, asking him what he did to Kyle. Finally, an hour ago, he texts me back with this-” She fished her purse out of her cream-colored handbag and showed the screen to Butters.

Cartman: FUCKING STOP CALLING ME ALREADY ILL TELL YOU JESUS. 

Cartman: its not even that weird god I don’t know why u wanna know so fucking bad.

Cartman: last night I snuck into kyles place

Cartman: which was super easy bc the rest of his family left for a trip

Cartman: and I planted little baggies of cocaine all around his house

Cartman: then I called the cops and gave them an anonymous tip about the drugs but they didn’t take me seriously until I said it was a black guy in the house

Cartman: So they bring in a stealth unit – which was fucking awesome to watch btw

Cartman: and then they come out like two minutes later with all the coke and kyle in handcuffs

Cartman: so his ass got locked up tight, but since he’s a minor and his parents are out where they don’t get cell service, hes stuck there until they get back

Cartman: lol

“Oh my god!” Butters looked around frantically. “We gotta do something! We gotta get him outta there!” 

“Breathe, Butters.” Kenny made a placating gesture. “I already screenshot those texts and sent them to Stan. He’s probably at the station by now. Besides,” she said, “Kyle’s survived much worse. He can handle this.” That got Butters to lower his shoulders by a hair.

“I don’t know, Ken.” He wrung his tie nervously. “Is it really okay for us to just sit here and do nothing?”

“We’re not doing nothing.” Kenny said. “We’re here to make sure Cartman’s plan fails tonight. And if everyone involved does what I think they’re gonna do, we’re on the right track.” Her eyes darted to Butters’ right and she swore under her breath. “Davíd’s here! Quick, hide!” 

“Oh, jeez!” Butters looked around and dashed behind a potted plant tall enough to cover him. Kenny ducked her face behind the menu as a waitress approached the table with Davíd in tow.

“Here you are, sir.” She gestured to the seat across from Kenny. He raised a brow in silent confusion. “Someone will be with you shortly to take your order. Enjoy your date!” she smiled and walked away before he could ask her something.

Butters saw him give a quick look around him before he checked the time on his phone. He hesitated, then went up to Kenny. Butters struggled to find a position that would keep him hidden, but still allow him a decent view.

“Excuse me, I think they sent me to the wrong table. Is it okay if I just hang around here and wait for my- uh, date to show up?” Kenny brought the menu down and gave a bright grin.

“How do you know she’s not already here?” At the sound of her voice, Davíd’s eyes widened.

“Kenny?” He blinked.

“In the flesh.” She said, gesturing to herself. Davíd chuckled in amazement.

“Wow, you look great! This is crazy, I swear I wouldn’t have recognized you if you hadn’t talked.” 

“Thank you! That’s what I was going for when I decided to pull a Cinderella tonight.” She rested her chin in her hands. “Why don’t you have a seat? We could get drinks and appetizers faster that way. Calamari sounds good, what do you think?” Davíd raised a hand to rub the back of his neck.

“Wait… Kenny, did you send me that note?” He asked.

“No, of course not.” Kenny waved off his concerns. “I helped the writer keep it vague, but it’s not from me.”

“Oh.” He said. “Yeah, I was about to say, I thought you were into-”

“Yup, I helped to put all of this together!” She coughed. “I’m not who you’re here for, I’m just a gorgeous placeholder.”

“So then,” Davíd said, “where’s-”

“Kyle will be here shortly. He should have made his entrance by now, but I guess he’s running late.” She said.

“Oh, okay.” Davíd tilted his head at Kenny. “Wait, so Kyle told you?”

“Sure did.” Kenny nodded. “He brought me in on it because he was a little too chicken shit to do it on his own.” Davíd snorted.

“Were those his exact words?” He asked as he pulled the chair out and sat down.

“I’m paraphrasing, but pretty much.” She gave him a quick once-over. “Ooooh, you clean up nice! Lemme just-” she reached forward and adjusted his black tie. “There we go. Ooh, you should roll up your sleeves, show off your forearms.” Davíd complied.

“Oh, thanks, good thinking.” He smiled.

“I’m sure Kyle will thank me, too, once he gets here.” Kenny said. And Butters could agree that, even from where he was standing, Davíd looked handsome in his royal blue button-up and black slacks. Davíd laughed and picked up a menu.

“Do you know why he’s late?” Davíd asked.

“No clue.” Kenny shrugged. 

“He’s paying for all of this, right?” 

“Yep. We’re enjoying this scenery and service without any charge.” Davíd hummed.

“Well, then I guess he won’t mind if we help ourselves to some appetizers and drinks while we wait.” Kenny nodded solemnly. 

“It’s what he would have wanted.” Davíd laughed again. “And it’s his own fault he’s missing out on this. But I’m sure he’s making his way here as we speak.” 

Boy, Butters sure hoped so.  
***

Stan was finally escorted to the holding cells by a police officer. It’d been almost an hour since he showed them the screen shots Kenny had sent him, but they wanted to be difficult and accuse him of using photoshop. At least he’d finally made it. They stopped at the second cell to the left, where Kyle appeared to be pacing around the small space.

“Here he is, kid. I’m keeping an eye on you, so don’t try anything funny.” The cop said as he walked away. Stan rushed to the cell door.

“Kyle? Kyle!” He called to him. Kyle spun around at the sound of Stan’s voice and ran to meet him.

“Stan!” His eyes shone with relief. “Oh, thank god you’re here! They found coke in my house last night and they brought me here without giving me a chance to defend myself!” He explained. “I don’t know whose it is, I swear, but they think I’m a dealer or something! And they’ll only let me call my parents but my parents can’t fucking answer because they went to a retreat this week to some place with shitty service and they won’t be back until Monday! 

When they said they found drugs, I thought it might me my dad’s but there was a shit ton of it all over the house! What if he’s been doing this behind our backs? What if he ran away on that retreat so he could push the blame onto me?” He was hyperventilating. “I’m freaking out, dude!” 

“Kyle, calm down.” Stan said evenly. “It wasn’t your dad, dude. Cartman did this, he planted the drugs in your house so he could have you arrested. Kenny told me like, an hour ago.” He took out his phone and opened his texts from Kenny. “Look.” Kyle scanned through the messages, growing redder in the face with each one.

“That son of a bitch!” He slammed his hands against the bars. “I knew he was up to something!” He ran as far to the right of the cell as he could. “Let me out, god damn it! I’ve been framed!” He shouted. The cop went up to his cell and knocked his nightstick against the bars.

“Keep it down, kid. You’re not the only criminal here.” He said, bored.

“You s- I’m not a criminal!” he snatched Stan’s phone and shoved it into the officer’s face. “Look at this, I’ve been set up!” The cop picked up the phone and handed it back to Stan.

“As real as that looks, it’s not sufficient evidence. For all we know, he could have photoshopped these.”

“I didn’t edit this! My friend, Kenny, sent them to me! Please, you have to believe me.” Stan pleaded.

“Maybe if you could get your friend down here to show us the original messages, you’d have an actual case here.” He walked away.

“Where’s Kenny?” Kyle demanded.

“I don’t know, dude! I told him to come here with me but he said he got caught up in something.” Stan said.

“God damn it!” Kyle groaned. “How the fuck am I supposed to get out of here?”  
***

Kenny stirred her raspberry lemonade to make sure the syrup was evenly distributed as she shot a quick glance over her shoulder to where Butters was hiding. Thankfully, he blended in well. He could only be seen if someone was deliberately looking for him. Until he poked his head out and gave Kenny a nervous look.

“Where’s Kyle?” he mouthed. Kenny turned back to Davíd, who was stirring his own iced tea. The appetizers had yet to come, but Kyle needed to get here soon, damn it! Before Davíd started asking questions or became worried and the plan fell apart. If Stan and Kyle hadn’t gotten Kyle out of holding, yet, then they’d just have to try fucking harder!

They’d done the impossible before, why was this taking them so long? Kenny looked to Davíd and then she knew the perfect way to motivate them into hurrying the hell up. She feigned surprise and took her phone out of her handbag.

“Do you mind if I take this?” she smiled apologetically. “Karen’s asking me about something, I don’t think it can wait.”

“Sure, go ahead.” Davíd said.

“Thanks.” Kenny opened her texts with Stan and started tapping away. This had better light a fire under their asses, she thought.  
***

Stan’s phone buzzed in his hand and he saw several new notifications pop up one after the other, all from Kenny. He unlocked his phone and quickly read through them. 

“Holy shit.” He said once he finished.

“What? What happened?” Kyle asked urgently. Stan handed him his phone.

“Kenny just sent me these. He didn’t give me a lot of details, but it doesn’t sound good.” Kyle started from the first text.

Kenny: SOS!!! FUCKING SOS!!!

Kenny: shits bad dude shit just got really bad!

Kenny: Cartman knows I snitched to you so I can’t tell u exactly whats happening but U and Kyle need to get your asses to the olive garden right now!

Kenny: hes planning something dude

Kenny: hes got me and Davíd here and I know ur @ an actual police station but we could really use some rescuing! 

Kenny: tell kyle if u can!

Stan took his phone back before Kyle could crush it in his hands. 

“Of course that shit stain got Davíd involved!” he scoffed, but made a sound more like a growl. “It’s not enough that he’s got me in police custody, he had to go and fuck with my- agh!” he punched the concrete wall once. 

“What the hell is he doing at the Olive Garden?” Stan asked, thrown for a loop.

“He’s probably there to put Kenny and Davíd through some sadistic public humiliation shit because he’s a sociopathic god damn asshole!”He looked down the dirty ground and panted for breath, probably so he could stop seeing red. Once his breathing slowed, he stood up straight. Stan saw the intensity in his gaze.

“Kyle?”

“Call that cop back over here.” He said, contained. “I know how I’m getting out.”  
***

Butters watched Kenny put her phone back in her purse and sighed in relief. Hopefully whatever she’d done would get Kyle moving, before something could go wrong.

“Butters!” Eric’s voice came, as if summoned. Butters jumped and turned to the source of the sound. Eric had snuck up beside him, hiding behind an adjacent plant that he seemed to have brought with him. “What the fuck is going on?” 

“What do you mean?” he whispered, hoping Eric would lower his voice a bit more. He did not.

“I mean I was on my way to the police station to gloat and rub Kyle’s face in his own heartbreak, but then I saw fucking Stan running into the building!”

“Police station?” Butters sounded sufficiently confused.

“Oh, yeah, I planted coke in Kyle’s house and got him arrested.” Eric said offhandedly.

“Arrested?!” Butters added some surprise.

“Yes, arrested, keep up.” He said. “I was so sure they weren’t gonna let him call anyone besides his parents, but he probably used his tricky wordplay to trick the cops into letting him call Stan. Those assholes.” 

“Oh, jeez.” Butters didn’t have to fake his discomfort.

“I came here as soon as I could to make sure Kenny seals the deal before Kyle can make his escape.” He looked around. “Where the hell is Kenny?” 

“Oh,” Butters pointed in the direction of their table. “Right over there, in front of Davíd.” Eric took a comical double-take when his eyes landed on Kenny.

“THAT’S Kenny?” He whisper-yelled.

“Yup.” Butters said. “Isn’t she something?”

“She? What the- god damn it!” He dragged his hands down his face. “I knew Kenny used to be into drag, but why the fuck did he have to do that TONIGHT? That wasn’t the plan! Why the fuck is he dressed like that?”

“Well, she said something about how pink brings out her eyes.” Butters answered.

“Did you know about this, Butters?” He demanded. Oh boy, he looked pretty mad.

“No!” Butters denied. “I was just as surprised as you are.” He was also much more in favor of Kenny’s look than Eric was, to be honest.

“Oh god, this- wait.” He squinted to get a better look at the scene. “David’s still here. Why didn’t he leave when he saw Kenny dressed like that?” 

“Because that would’ve been really rude of him!” Butters said. “Besides, he complimented Kenny on her outfit when he saw her. He was as impressed as I was!” Butters silently decided that he was definitely more impressed than Davíd was, but it wasn’t a competition. 

“Impressed, huh?” Eric looked back at Davíd, who was laughing at something Kenny had said. “Okay… okay this might not be a total disaster.” He said.

“Of course it’s not.” Butters assured him. “They’re both having a great time! Everything’s going just fine, Eric.”

“Yeah, it seems that way.” Eric sighed in relief. “Thank god. Kenny better count himself lucky that his little stunt didn’t screw things up.” They both turned back to look at the scene once more. To anyone else, Butters knew that Kenny and Davíd just looked like they were on a normal date that hadn’t been carefully orchestrated and didn’t indirectly rely on the imprisonment of another person.

A waitress came by with their appetizers, complimented Kenny’s dress, and told them she’d be back later to take their orders. Eric chuckled and Butters looked to him.

“I don’t know why I was so worried. I had everything under control.”He never did, but Butters elected not to voice that. “But now I can just stand back, relax, and watch everything unfold perfectly. Hey, do you think you could sneak me some breadsticks from the kitchen?”

Before he could respond, Butters heard loud, fast footsteps coming towards their little area. From around the corner came a panicked Kyle, who wore his usual coat over wrinkled pajamas, with Stan in tow. His eyes brightened with relief when he saw Davíd and Kenny, who took surprised notice of him.

“What the fuck?” Eric whispered. Butters saw Stan hang back as Kyle rushed forward.

“Davíd!” Kyle ran to him and threw his arms around him with no hesitation. “You’re okay!” Davíd was stunned for a moment before he returned Kyle’s embrace.

“Yeah, I’m great.” He said with some confusion. “You look like shit, though, no offense.”

“Hi Stan!” Kenny waved.

“Hi Kenny.” Stan waved back much slower. “What’s with the dress?”

“It brings out my eyes.” She turned her attention to Kyle. “Kyle, you made it! And in your Sunday best, no less.”

“I hardly think that matters right now, Kenny.” Kyle said flatly as he drew back from the embrace, but kept a hold on Davíd’s arms. “Are you guys really okay, though? Did Cartman do anything, yet? Where is he?” 

“Cartman?” Davíd asked, even more confused. “I don’t know, Kyle. Wait, why are you in pajamas?”

“Hey.” Kenny pointed her thumb behind her. “You’d see him standing behind that plant back there if you just tore your eyes away from each other for a sec.” Kyle and Davíd looked to the back wall simultaneously and immediately saw Cartman, who was trying desperately to cover himself up more with branches.

“Cartman?”

“Cartman!” Kyle stomped toward him with murder in his eyes. Eric scrambled out from behind the plant and cleared his throat.

“Fancy meeting you here, Kyle.” He said conversationally. “Yeesh, you look rough. Probably should’ve checked a mirror before you just waltzed in here.”

“Cut the bullshit, fatass.” Kyle stared him down. “Kenny told us what you did.” 

“WHAT?” Eric shot a glare at Kenny. “Kenny, what the fuck, dude? You ratted me out?”

“Well, duh.” Kenny shrugged. “I didn’t want Davíd to have to wait too long. Also, I didn’t want Kyle to rot in a cell.”

“Wait. Cell?” Davíd said, looking between Kenny and Eric for answers.

“Cartman planted drugs in Kyle’s house yesterday and got him arrested.” Stan supplied.

“He WHAT?” Davíd’s eyebrows shot up.

“I spent all. Fucking. Day. In a fucking holding cell.” Kyle’s voice was low as he spoke to Eric, who gulped.

“So, how’d you get out? You can’t leave without your parents there to bail you!” He said.

“I just told the cops there that if they cleared my charges and let me go, I’d let them keep the coke.” He scoffed. “I was afraid it wasn’t going to work, but they let me out as soon as I said that. They started doing lines before Stan and I even left!”

“Damn.” Kenny whistled. “How much coke was it?”

“A lot, dude.” Stan said. “Enough to keep them busy for a while.”

“God, the law enforcement in this town is so shitty!” Eric groaned. There was a loud creak and Butters saw Davíd push his chair back and stand up.

“Sorry – am I hearing this right?” He went up to them and stood beside Kyle, with matching fury. “You broke into Kyle’s house, planted cocaine on him, and got him arrested?” He clenched his fists. “What the fuck is wrong with you? Why did you do that?” Butters could see from where he was still, somehow, hidden that Eric had broken out into a nervous sweat. He stepped back until he was up against the wall, while Kyle and Davíd held him in place with their hard gazes.

“All right, I’ll come clean.” Eric brought his palms up. “I was trying to keep an indescribable evil from taking form in this town. And yes, there were some bumps along the way, and I had to get a little extreme to make it over those bumps. But I’m just trying to keep myself and others safe from you two.” 

“What the hell are you talking about, Cartman?” Kyle asked. “We didn’t do anything! The only one who’s been causing harm this entire time is you!” 

“I did it for the greater good, Kyle!” He said passionately. “I don’t expect you to realize that, but I did this for the safety of the people around me.”

“You still aren’t making any fucking sense.” Davíd said, irritated and impatient. 

“He means he did this for his own “safety.”” Kenny piped up from where she was eating calamari. “He knows Kyle’s into you and he wanted to stop you two from getting together.”

“You WHAT?!” Kyle shouted. Eric pressed his hands against the wall behind him. “And why the hell were you trying to do that?”

“Because you are two of the most heartless, cold-blooded, conniving, assholes I’ve ever known!” He said. “I couldn’t just sit back while you two became fucking boyfriends. You would have used your combined maliciousness to make my life a never-ending hell! That’s why I had to put a stop to this!”

By now, the boys had the full attention of the other customers who were seated in the vicinity. Butters saw other employees standing by, watching the scene with increasing concern. It seemed like they were staying back to avoid getting into the cross-fire. Davíd lowered his stance in shock and tilted his head at Eric.

“You…” he shook his head. “You’re probably the dumbest fucking person I’ve ever met.” He pinched the bridge of his nose. “This is so god damn stupid. Kyle, could you please just tell him?” Now the rest of the boys were confused, save for Kyle, who was still fuming.

“Tell me what?” Eric asked, completely lost. Kyle stalked toward him and he had nowhere left to go. 

“You always do this, Cartman.” He grabbed Eric by the front of his jacket and jerked him as he spoke. “Every time I find someone I really like, you come along and try to fuck it up before it can even start! Sometimes I actually think that you’re not that bad and you don’t actually hate me. But then you pull shit like this!” He gestured all around them.

“Because you can’t stand it when I’m minding my own fucking business and trying to be happy with someone. Well guess what, fatass?” He smirked. “I beat you to it!”

“What the fuck are you talking about?” Eric tried to pry Kyle’s wrists off of him. Suddenly, Davíd was behind Kyle with a hand on his shoulder, looking pissed and exhausted.

“You can vent later, babe.” He said to Kyle, before he looked to Eric with disdain. “We’ve been dating for almost a month, shithead.” Eric gaped at them. Kenny gasped. Butters put his hands over his mouth.

“Huh.” Stan said lamely. Eric regained some composure.

“Pfft, yeah right!” he said. “If you’ve really been dating for that long, why is this the first I’m hearing of it?” 

“Are you serious?” Kyle asked. “We didn’t want to tell anybody so we could have some time to ourselves to just be together without any pressure or weird drama from other people!”

“The idea was to prevent something like this from happening.” Davíd said, looking back at all of the spectators they had.

“Pretty stupid of us right? We actually convinced ourselves that things could just stay normal in this fucking town.” He sighed and looked to Davíd. “I’m sorry about all this. He wouldn’t have even bothered you if you weren’t dating me.”

“What the hell are you apologizing for? You didn’t set this up.” Davíd said. “It’s not your fault that Cartman can’t stay in his fucking lane.”

“This probably isn’t going to be the last time he bugs us though.” Kyle pointed out, looking guilty. “I didn’t want to burden you with that when he’s my problem, not yours. I don’t want you to get sick of being with me because of all the shit we’re going to have to put up with just for being together.”

“Kyle.” Davíd put a hand on Kyle’s cheek. “Don’t be ridiculous. I really like you and I knew what I signed up for when we started going out. I’m not going to get frustrated or tired of you for things like this, okay?”

“You mean it?” Kyle asked with a hopeful smile.

“Of course!” Davíd said. “Plus, I should be the one feeling bad! You got arrested, dude, he put you through way worse than me.”

“What?” Kyle loosened his hold on Eric. “No, I’m fine, really. You don’t have to worry about me, I’m just glad he didn’t get the chance to do anything to you.” Davíd smiled.

“Awww.” Kenny cooed.

“Ugh, god.” Eric rolled his eyes and bumped the back of his head against the wall. “Why don’t you just start making out while you’re at it?” Davíd and Kyle exchanged matching looks of annoyance.

“I’m really tired, guys.” Kyle said. “Stan, thanks for getting me from holding. Kenny, thanks for letting us know what was going on. You look nice, by the way!” 

“Thank you!” She smiled. “Congrats on having a great boyfriend!”

“Thanks!” Kyle turned to Davíd. “Do you want to help me kick Cartman’s ass?”

“What?!” Cartman shouted.

“I’d love to.” Davíd said. “We should probably take it outside, though. The wait staff looks freaked out and we wouldn’t want you to get arrested again.”

“Good idea, babe. Get his left for me?” Kyle asked as he held onto Eric’s right arm.

“Sure thing.” Davíd grabbed hold of his left arm.

“Hey – let go of me, you assholes!” Eric was dragged out through the back exit, kicking and screaming all the way. “Don’t just sit there, you jackasses! Butters!” Eric pointed at him. “You have to help me, dude!” Butters came out from behind the plant.

“Sorry, Eric.” He said with a pleasant smile. “But I think you need to learn not to interfere with other people’s relationships.”

“What?” Eric asked, baffled. 

“See ya, Eric!” He waved as Eric spat curses at him, which were soon muffled by the door.

“Butters?” Stan asked. “Where did you come from?”

“Oh, we caught him during his shift.” Kenny explained. “He hid when everyone showed up. You know, to stay out of trouble.”

“Oh, okay.” He didn’t sound too convinced. Kenny held her phone out to Stan before he could ask more questions. 

“Here, take my phone, get out there and record everything for me.” Kenny smiled. “Please?” Stan hesitantly took the phone.

“Sure, why not.” He went out the same way Kyle, Davíd and Eric had left. Once he was gone, Butters walked over to where Kenny sat.

“Pretty wild evening, huh?” She asked.

“You’re telling me!” Butters said. “Gosh, I can’t believe Kyle and Davíd went that long without anybody finding out. I wish Eric would have just left them alone, he could’ve avoided all this.” Kenny snorted.

“Yeah! I bet he feels like his worst fears are coming true just because they’re together.” She laughed put a hand on the table. “You think he’s gonna realize how dumb and paranoid he was being? Like, do you think he’s gonna figure out that Kyle and Davíd aren’t beating him up just because they’re dating?” 

“I sure hope he learns his lesson.” Butters laughed when he heard Eric yelp.

“That’s probably all we can do.” She took a sip of her lemonade. Butters fiddled with the strings of his apron awkwardly.

“Well, I’ll see you later, Ken.” He made to turn around, but Kenny grabbed his wrist.

“Woah, what? You’re just gonna leave me here, beautiful and all alone?” She asked with wide eyes.

“Oh!” Butters turned back. “Sorry, I – did you want me to stay?” 

“Hell yeah, I do!” She insisted. “Come on, the night is young. I’m already dressed up, you already look cute, why waste that?”

“Uh,” Butters blushed. “Thank you.”

“Plus, Cartman already paid for everything and that waitress still hasn’t come back to take our orders! Are you really going to turn down delightful company AND free food?” She asked.

“Eric’ll be pretty mad if he finds out.” Butters pointed out. As if on cue, Eric gave a loud cry outside.

“I don’t think that’s going to be the first thing on his mind when he comes to.” Kenny said. “Come on, you deserve to have a little fun after everything you had to do this week.” Butters bit his bottom lip. This all seemed to good to be true. And it was probably the only time he’d ever get to do something this nice with Kenny, at least for a while. 

And Kenny looked so pretty and hopeful and Butters felt like such a fool, just standing there. 

“Would this be a date?” he blurted. But he didn’t take it back. He only held his breath as Kenny blinked up at him.

“Do you want it to be a date?” She asked, her tone even. Butters nodded quickly.

“Yeah! I’d really like that.” He answered. Her smile was blinding as she moved her hand to hold his.

“Sweet! Me, too” She squeezed his hand. “Take a seat, I think our server should be back soon.” Butters smiled and complied. If someone had told him at the start of the week that he’d get to go on a date with his crush, he wouldn’t have believed them. He was so glad he’d agreed to help Eric with his awful plan.

“Also, ditch the apron and the name tag. You don’t want them to think you’re still on the clock.” 

“Hm? Oh! Right, yeah, I should do that.”  
***

About twenty minutes later, Kyle and Davíd were making the trek to Kyle’s house from the Olive Garden. They didn’t beat Eric up for as long as they may have wanted to, because it was late and Kyle hadn’t slept or showered or brushed his teeth since he’d been arrested. So they didn’t really care to stick around after they’d let their anger out.

They joked idly about dragging Cartman back to his house so he wouldn’t have to wake up, bloody and bruised, in the Olive Garden parking lot. In the end, they just laughed and decided he could go fuck himself, for all they cared.

So they walked side by side, Kyle leaning on Davíd for support now that the adrenalin was leaving him and exhaustion was setting in. His head rested on Davíd’s shoulder and he was attempting to bury his nose in his neck, while Davíd struggled to keep them on a steady path.

“Are you wearing cologne?” He asked sleepily. 

“Yeah.” Davíd said. It was the only cologne he had. He figured if his mom considered it good enough to wear to mass on Easter, it was probably good enough for what he thought was a date. 

“It’s nice.” Kyle tried to get closer and laughed when Davíd nudged him away.

“Calm down, we’re almost there.” He said. They were both quiet for a moment. The streetlights shone onto the sidewalk they walked on in silence. Until Kyle set his chin on Davíd’s shoulder.

“I’m sorry.” He mumbled. Davíd slowed down.

“Kyle, I already told you,” Davíd rubbed his arm. “what that asshole did wasn’t your fault.” Kyle sighed.

“No, not that.” He wrapped an arm around Davíd waist. “It was my idea to secretly go out with each other, and it didn’t do us any good.” 

“That’s not true.” Davíd insisted. “I think it was good for us to have that time to ourselves to just get used to each other in a, uh. Romantic way. Plus, new relationships can be pretty vulnerable. If Cartman tried something earlier down the line, we might not have been so lucky.”

“You’re right about that.” Kyle conceded. “But I’m not too sorry about that because I’m like… accustomed to it? Which doesn’t make shit like this better, but, still.” Davíd hummed.

“So what are you sorry for?” He asked.

“Just-” Kyle shook his head. “I really like you, Davíd. I really like being around you and I’m so glad you’re my boyfriend.” He nuzzled his face against the top of Davíd’s head, almost apologetically. Davíd’s lip quirked up.

“Well, that’s good to know.” Kyle huffed a laugh.

“No, but seriously, I – you’re my favorite person to hang out with and you’re funny and cute and I’m pretty sure I love you.” He said in a rush. Davíd gave a soft laugh as a flush rose to his cheeks.

“I’m pretty sure I love you, too.” He pressed a kiss to Kyle’s cheek. Kyle turned his head and kissed him back, and he looked a little less downcast.

“But that’s the thing.” He said. “I care about you so much and it was killing me that I couldn’t hold your hand or kiss you when other people were around.” 

“Did you forget it was your idea?” Davíd teased.

“Ugh!” Kyle moaned. “That just made me feel more stupid whenever I thought about it. The point is: You’re really important to me and I’m sorry that I made it so that I couldn’t show you that as much as I should have.” 

“Kyle.” Davíd kissed the corner of his jaw. “I promise, you didn’t make me feel like I wasn’t important to you or anything like that. And you could have just called off the secrecy whenever.”

“I know, but. I guess I just spent so long not knowing how to act in public when I’m dating someone that I got scared I might mess it up.” Kyle leaned in closer.

“I was kind of scared of that, too.” Davíd said. “But that doesn’t mean I didn’t want to be all gay and affectionate with you in public, either. I was going to ask you if you wanted to let other people know. Before all of this, I mean.”

“Me too!” Kyle gestured to himself. “I was trying to ask you yesterday, but I pussied out. God, I have such shitty timing.” Davíd laughed.

“I think that speaks volumes about how much we need to work on communication.” They reached Kyle’s front yard and walked up to his door. 

“Yeah, no kidding.” He reached into his pockets, then patted his front and the side of his flannel pants. He sighed and dropped his arms. “I don’t have my fucking keys.” Davíd reached forward and tested the door.

“It’s unlocked.” He stated.

“Oh, god damn it!” Kyle pushed his way inside. “Those asshole cops! If I have to explain to my parents why my house was robbed, I’ll – ugh.” He trudged forward and landed face-first onto the couch. Davíd locked the door behind him and sat on the couch next to Kyle’s head.

“You alright?” He rested a hand on Kyle’s curls.

“I’m too tired to be pissed off, right now.” He mumbled.

“I never thought I’d see the day.” Davíd said. Kyle put his hand over Davíd’s

“Dick.” He said. Less than a full minute later, the sound of his soft snores filled the room. Davíd leaned down and placed a kiss on Kyle’s temple. He moved them a bit so Kyle’s head rested on Davíd’s lap.

The couch was cozy, the sky outside was dark, and Kyle looked so peaceful as his chest rose and fell with his breathing. Davíd’s eyelids began to droop, and it wasn’t long until he followed Kyle into sleep. How lucky, he thought to himself drowsily, that he had found someone he felt so comfortable and warm with.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And now you see why I had to keep Kyle and David's perspectives short! This was super self-indulgent and I had fun writing it and I hope you had some fun reading it. aaaa if I had money I'd commission someone to draw a selfie of Kyle and David standing over Cartman's unconscious body in the Olive Garden parking lot. laters <3

**Author's Note:**

> Constructive criticism is welcome!


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